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Dec. 8th, 2009 at 12:17 AM

Premeditation is my forte. I thought a lot about this. I've thought about it for a long time. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not supposed to be here. I wasn't supposed to be born; I wasn't supposed to be part of this. My head doesn't work right. It never has. My heart doesn't work right. To remedy this, I am going to remove myself from the situation altogether.

No more flashbacks. No more drug addiction. No more eating disorder. No more color. No more art. No more writing. No more Z.

One of the requests on my list is cremation; if they follow up, I won't have a grave. I don't want an obituary, either. I want to pass from the world like I didn't even exist. Z had no face, no body, no soul. She never existed. Please think of it that way. I really, really don't matter. I never did. And it's nice to not want to matter any more.

This is my moment of triumph. I am my own master. I am making a choice - a choice to be selfish. I'm tired of catering. This is for me.

Candice...wherever you are...I hope you've gotten the happiness you deserve.

Gesa...I'm sorry. I love you, and I'm sorry. I love you -- I love you. There: now everybody knows. Everybody's seen it. Nobody will ever be able to say it wasn't true...least of all you. You're lovable. Don't forget it.

I won't be finishing my fics. I've removed my works in progress. I'm disappearing. By this time tomorrow, I won't exist at all. I'll be at peace. Peace, peace, peace.

I'm bawling. Sobbing. Crying. But I'm too exhausted to function and I'm not afraid.

It'll all be over soon.


I've only changed her name to protect her privacy. I dunno why I posted this in a gaia journal. I guess I just needed it someplace to look at when I delete it from my computer finally.

Its been a month, it doesn't feel like it. It feels like the day I found out, every time I hear something close to your name. Or listen to certain times its like a stabbing wound. I hope you reached the stars...I hope you found what you needed. I really do.
Just know, that you existed, and will continue to exist in head and my heart. Forever. And that I treasure. No matter what happiness I ever achieve, the quality of it will now have been dimmed.

I wish I could still talk to you.
The night is pretty, you know?
Shall we dance with the stars?

I miss that about us.

I miss you so ******** much, Z. You told me once that souls never die; they just find peace. You told me that death is just a transition from one state to another -- that people could change, and that was one of the changes.

I'm ashamed to admit that I haven't changed very much, even after I found out about this. Found out that I'd lost you. I know I wasn't the kind of friend you could handle physically; I never told you what you wanted to hear. I never told you that you were stupid, or that you were ugly, or that you were useless. I didn't find you disgusting or pathetic. I know you never knew what to do with it. And I wish I could apologize, but only because I want you back. I'm so apologetic about so many things, but not that. Never that. I'm a selfish creature at heart and I'll never be sorry for loving you.

It's a little stupid to be typing this, I suppose. It's not as though you'll come to life again just to answer me. I just...

I miss you. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. But I hope that wherever you are, if you've retained some amount or form of cognizance, that won't disrupt your peace...I don't even know what I'm doing here.

I miss you. I want you to know that I miss you, but I'm glad you found peace. I suppose.

Whatever.

Missing you, loving you, writing you. Eternally.

A bit cheesy, but you'd understand. You'd get it, you'd know and laugh at me for being such a fangirl.

I thought you were a really gifted and talented writer, even if you didn't think you were.

For some reason the scene of Roxas leaving the Organization comes to mind: "No one would be sad."
"I'll be sad."

I'm sad.

But I loved our conversations; you always made me think about things differently. You always had a new, interesting, unique perspective.

You impacted me in a positive way. That means something good to me. Even if you don't think you deserve thanks for that... I want to thank you anyway.

But just like Roxas made his choice for himself, you made your choice for yourself.

I wish you well, and I hope you find what you are looking for.

I'll miss you so much, Mozart won't be the same with out you.

Requiem in D Minor - Mozart. Is that what you played? I have a feeling it was. Those lines struck hard with you.

Confutatis maledictis,

Flammis acribus addictis,

Voca me c** benedictus.

Oro supplex et acclinis,

Cor contritum quasi cinis:

Gere curam mei finis.



Lacrimosa dies illa,

Qua resurget ex favilla.

Iudicandus homo reus:

Huic ergo parce, Deus.

Pie Jesu Domine,

Dona eis requiem. Amen.

I guess, I have to end it now. I don't want to, I feel like we are talking. But I'll speak to you every day. That star of yours, I'll say hello.

I won't ever forget you, and I'll never forget your words. I'm missing you wherever you are.