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The title of this journal entry comes from the Massive Attack song called "Dissolved Girl." It was the first song that my iTunes on shuffle played. Could it secretly be a message? rofl

I love putting my playlists on shuffle. The best thing is when a song randomly pops up that perfectly fits into the situation at hand. Whether if its something you are reading or feeling. Though if you are feeling blue or down because love hasn't been fortunate, iTunes in shuffle can seem a bit cruel. Almost as if it's taunting you, helping you feel even worse instead of better, but at times it throws you a bone. It selects a song that lets you see the light, so to speak.

As for Dissolved Girl, I think the song is about a girl that knows that the love she is getting is a lie, yet she keeps going back for more. Maybe she hopes it will change.

In my situation I never hoped that he would eventually love me. I knew what I was getting into, however, I was unable to stay on top of it and have grown slightly attached. It's not love but what could be the beginnings. I have nipped that blossoming flower on Saturday night. I sent out a message, letting them know that I want more and if they can't give it to me, then tell me now so that I may seek elsewhere.

I fear my friendship with that person may be on the line, but I hope not. It's like I don't want to be friends I just want to know if the possibility of something could happen. But nothing will be the same. I know. I know. I also fear the friends I may lose as a repercussion of my actions but damn it. I need to know once and for all. I can put it behind me and if he can then it will be alright. I have a very good poker face and no trouble denying myself the things I want. It isn't hard to control my desires and wants.