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So I'm sitting here...................Feeling empty. All of those "......" was seriously how I felt right just then. Let me start off by saying that I know it's you Bellz. Mhm.... Back to what I was saying. It's 11 pm. And I'm still up. It's been a few days..................................Since I talked to her........It's a little weird waking up and not getting a text from you in the morning. It's a little weird that for some reason I'm constantly checking my inbox. It's a little weird that everytime I check, I hope to see a text. For sure I took those things for granted. I thought about texting. But I said "I'll do it later". And never got to it........By the time I get to it, it's been too long and I don't even want to text anymore. What can I do? Keep doing what your doing. Let it die. Let it go. It's not right. Far too young.............Creeped her when she added me and my mind just went "Damn man..She's so young wtf. *Checks this pic, see's that it's from July of 2011 or whatever*. "Dude................She's so damn young. Still in middle school at that time! That's effed up." lol.... Weird Za, just weird....Still dealing with the "Parting ways" with that one special person.....*Sighs..*











Ever had those moment's where you can't really be yourself? Ever had those moment's when you'll rather not say anything than try to "fit in?" Ever had those moment's when you'll rather not talk because everybody puts on a mask to try to be something that they aren't? Ever had those moment's when you thought "******** it, I'm almost an adult, I'm gonna go drinking and partying..." Ever had those moment's when you thought "Hell naw, I'm not gonna drink until I'm like 25-26...." Why that time? Because that is when your body is fully grown....And your brain is fully developed..And it gets SOOO MUCH more difficult to get addicted to things....It's scary when you get addicted to something. Addicted to cold drinks. Addicted to love. You'll do anything for it. Then a couple of years later, when you've grown, and you look back....Your like "Wtf was I thinking?" LOL. I'm not gonna get addicted to alcohol....But is it really possible to have fun without drinking? During college life? Is it really possible? That's the problem....Most, if not ALL college people drink and have fun at parties. I want to have fun..But I don't want to drink.....mehh...








I never really realized how much people smoked in the real world. All this time, from the past 15-16 years of staying at home, being a "good son"....I never recognized how many people smoked. In school you can never really tell. Until you come close to the end of your high school years. You can sorta tell who smokes and who doesn't. I didn't realize it until after a couple of months working at my job. A LOT of my co-worker's smoke. Even the ones that I look up to, smoke. I never thought it was that serious...Why? My mom and dad always taught me and my 9 other siblings to never smoke. It brings shame, ******** up your life, and everything important to you. etc etc. And I really believe that. And I still do. I wouldn't say "Looking down on smoker's". Just..........When I meet such an awesome person, and they are cool as hell....But they smoke...I just don't get why they do that. Your cool as hell...Why are you smoking? I heard that they get addicted to the nasty tastes of it and smokes just for the taste. It sucks to get addicted. It sucked to get addicted to anything.








Last sunday, on my day off of work, I literally woke up at 8:30 am yelling like a maniac. Why? I thought it was a saturday and I had work at 8 in the morning on Saturday's....I was so ******** scared until I realized it was a sunday...Such a huge sigh of relief..............Addicted to work..? So ******** scared.....Still don't understand why Emily isn't talking to me. One of the few people who I can actually be myself around....And it was nice. It felt good. Another one of the people's that I took for granted. Heck, she was never gonna be there forever. No matter HOW good of a friend she is. I still don't know if she reads this or not..Oh well. Who am I trying to convince? Her or myself? Probably myself. Kinda funny that I'm talking to myself. But hey, that's what you do when your lonely right? When your lonely...............................................................









When people get lonely....They look for things to latch on to. To keep that feeling away. That's why some couples jump straight into other relationships when they "part ways". They don't want to feel that feeling. Of being alone. Not having anybody love you for who you are. And they jump right into whoever is next in line. Personally....That is one of the most cowardly ways to deal with a past relationship. For some reason, I can't really deal with couples who break up and make up almost instantly. Those kind of relationships are not healthy at all. The emotional dramatic roller coaster that those couples must be on....My older brother is in one of those. And when he was single, he told me.."Za, I ain't ever gonna get into one of those relationships when they yell back and forth at each other". Nontheless...He's a damn hypocrite. A year later, he's doing the exact opposite of what he told me. I'm the type of person that, if I say it, I'm gonna do it. I'm a man of my word. And what's funny...Is that I almost fought my older sister's boyfriend. Y'know..The abusive boyfriend. Whupped my sister last year...And I told the whole family that if he ever came to my house again..Some s**t was gonna go down...And it did when she brought him home.....................I don't regret a bit of it. I told everybody what was going to happen. That was unbelieveable............








This song right now..Is lonely as hell lol. Sad song. Where was I at again? Oh yea...Couples that break up and make up. Hmmm..I was thinking. And maybe, those couples are two people's that.........Are afraid if they officially break up..That noone else is out there for them. And they hang on to each other because they feel that way. They are insecure that nobody else out there is the right one for them...And they break up and make up...Or they have invested too much into that partner to break up with them. Invested too much time, too much money, too much emotion.....See, that's the thing about relationships. About ANY relationships...It takes SO MUCH TIME. Whether it's a friendship, a friendship with your co-worker's, a relationship with your lover, a relationship with ANYBODY...It is SOOOO time consuming. You put SO much time and effort into them. It literally drains you of your energy. And if that relationship don't work out, that effort is worth nothing. If that friendship falls through, the effort is a waste. It's so damn time consuming. The emotional attachment's, everything about relationships...It demands so much from a person or from two people's, that it's ridiculous. And that includes relationships from everything....








And when you fall in love with somebody.......................Their is just SO MUCH at stake in that relationship. Trust, love, insecurity, assurance, time, money, communication, that's why it always hurts when you part ways with somebody....All of those memories...The memories hurt the most. Why does it hurt? Because you know that you will never have those memories again. Each is unique and original and special to you in it's own way. And it hurts that, THAT person is going to be out of your life. And the only thing that stays to remind you of that person or relationships is those memories...That is why people cry. Why they get sad. Why they get depressed. Because those memories are SO special and you know that no matter how much you dislike it, that person will always have a special place in your heart. And sometimes even YOU know that you won't feel those kind of feelings again...That creates those type of memories... Memories that won't ever go away...Memories that will last a lifetime..And sometimes you can't help but think of those memories constantly..Even when your old..And the pain never seems to cease. And sometimes...Those memories are your best memories...And your sad because that moment is done and over with..That's why those thoughts turn to memories........I can't even imagine somebody reading all of this right now...If your reading to this line...You must be bored as hell and got some time on your hands lol.....Or your really interested in me and decided to read a book about me..My life..My belief's..And what I think....I just realized that I hadn't updated this journal since last year....I WOULD say Merry Christmas and happy new year...But forget it. It;s too damn long ago and it's just wrong and it's just cheesy and it just wouldn't make sense to say it right now. Like, let's be honest Za, nobody probably reads this anyways. But hey, that's why this journal is on public. Whoever wants to read it, reads it....Why is it public? Because I don't really have anything to hide.....Why would I hide anything? Why would I hide anything....I'm not hiding from myself or anybody.........*Sighs...* Feeling lonely and alone. Like I'm by myself....And nobody understands me. I WOULD say "Nobody cares" but that would sound too emo-ish and too needy-ish. And I'm not rlly that needy for that type of care. I just want someone to listen, to understand me................................................Where is all of those cool people at? Def not in high school...Well..MY high school.











Scared of change. We're all scared of change. Scared of the unknown. Scared of not knowing what's going to happen. Scared of "if I break up with him/her, what happens now?". Scared of "I'm graduating high school, what happens now?". Scared of "I'm going to college, what happens now?". Scared of "I'm driving, what happens now?" Scared of change...Scared to grow up because things aren't going to be the same anymore...Scared of change..Scared of the unknown.......Scared of not knowing what's going to happen.."Am I prepared enough?" "Am I ready?" Self-doubt..."Am I ready to venture on my own?" "Am I ready to do my own thing?" Change is scary as hell...........I'm not really scared of anything...But I'm so scared of change...I'm so scared of things changing and not working out......I'm scared that I'm by myself now. And that nobody will be by my side. That I walk alone.......I'm by myself.........With nobody else...And it leads back to being alone...And I'm scared of that....*Sighs...* Single, transition to an adult. and everything that comes with it.









Thanks for reading this long journal. I understand that it has plenty of error's in it, typing, not making sense, wrong spelling, oh well. Deal with it. And since you read to the end of it, congrats and I give you a cookie. "Gives cookie". I've been typing this for like 45 minutes. And I don't know when the next journal is coming out. I don't have a lot of time on my hands. I'm busy now. Excuse the retarded error's and grammar mistakes....Excuse that you just read what I think, what I feel, and what I think about thing's. That I feel alone and insecure sometimes in my journal. Excuse that I feel so vulnerable. Yes I know that it is laughable and shows you my string's of vulnerability. But I don't care. Laugh if you want, tease me if you want, I'm just being real...Thank you...And stay tuned until next time..A journal from some 17 year old teenage male.



Sincerely,



Za