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2/21

"Lmao I meant feeling horrible as in angry with stuff not with girls. Being alone makes you wiser and less picky, I dont like starting over. Even if the right ones came, they're gone now. I pushed them away because I know they wanted something that I can never give to them. I've been patient dia... With all the girls I talked to, they never loved me like that. I've been waiting so much that it angered me because it was just a waste of time and I dont care about it anymore. I've stopped thinking about them for awhile now. I'll never be as patient as those girls who told me they liked me, and I hated myself because they had to move on without closure. You probably just think I'm a player who got what he deserved but honestly I'm soft and an idiot. I'm just tired."

"I always thought that people who say they found their soul mate were crazy people who has no idea behind the meaning. That it just doesn't exist.

I also didn't believe anyone who said there'll always be someone on your mind.

You'll never completely understand something if you'd never experienced it before. I've realized it for awhile now.

It always breaks my heart when someone leaves, but it will never hurt as much as someone not being able to be yours to the point it made me cry."

Nobody can get over anyone that easily, but I can by convincing myself to think that she is also alone like me, and preventing myself from seeing and thinking that she is with another.

That way I can safely move on without damaging my mind and soul even more. But I lie to myself multiple times and I get caught by my tears and heartache along with anxiety. Idk why I'm still a soft person even after all these years.

I never wanted to lose myself with crying but I always do. I cried because I know what I gave was deep, true and real. It was a sign that everything that I gave was gone. I went through so much s**t that crying, music and writing was the only thing there to comfort me. Eventually it helped me move on. I love to write my inner demons out. I write to forget so nothing has to stay and worry me. But then again, I think writing is just taking a part of me away. Maybe it's the reason I'm starting to feel empty and forgetful inside. I really hope it doesn't consume me and leave me as a manic.

Love is such a myth. It's mysterious. It comes in many ways but that doesn't mean for you to try to find it with everyone you see. You'll end up dying for it.

They said love begins from the home. But love always starts with yourself. I've never had that growing up but when I saw the world, I believed I loved every one before me. And in the end... Love treated me just like my childhood memories, always coming home afterschool and having to deal with my older siblings who loved hurting me because I looked weak. I ended up receiving tough love yet I still forgive and love them through everything. I'll never know what my love was like to someone.

If only we lived on islands, then we could have ran away with our first lovers and lived happily with no one to intervene. So we wouldn't have to deal with heart breaks, other people, losing everything and having to start over. We could watch our children grow until they're mature enough to come back to civilization to start their life and let the cycle continue. You don't need the world as long as you're happy, as long as you love each other.

All of the times of telling me to never leave, so where are you?

If only other people suffered the same pain as you at the time, everything could've worked out. But I guess the world is settled the way it is because if not, people wouldn't have met their soul mate or realized reality. I met mine but she was only a dream. I didn't want to ruin it, so I was happy to see the dream blossom.

I always find myself falling in love during mid fall to the end of winter. Mostly November. I have to spend all of spring to cope with my emotions. Summer was only a messy quick spring break. Fall.. Is spent putting myself back together again. And the sad cycle continues.

I just want to make it through my old age. I'm so tired of feeling this way. I'm so ready to feel nothing. I just wish.. There was someone I can talk to forever to ease my pain.

I'm better off being alone anyways. Let the insanity kick in faster so I don't have to remember what they did to me.



" You're still someone I write about "