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A few years ago my mom had a brain aneurysm.. To be honest I wasn't there to witness it but i'm glad she was with family at the time of the incident. I don't want to go into details on where or how it happened but to cut it short, she's alive and it was a miracle.

After her recovery everything really is back to normal and she still tells me stories till this day about how she experienced it. She gave really good detail especially on the sound and visual kind of deal and looking back on it.. It terrifies me.

When she was at the hospital apparently she wasn't the only one who had it. Two other people had it also and there was a decision being proposed to us. We didn't know a lot of what was going on but from what the doctor told us is that there was a hospital a helicopters way that has ready to take on the task.. Two have already went but the family decided to have her stay here and wait for someone to take on the task.

The waiting room felt like home kind'a since all of the family was there.. that and the time we took to stay. I can probably guess the eventual death of my mom was weighing on them, especially me..

My mind was running from scenario to scenario. Being the only child and with a father that left us made me brain storm on what was going to happen after. Who am i going to live with. How much am I going to pay them to have me? What do i do with her stuff? Can i trust the family not to hide things from me? The pressure was enough to make me insane but i've kept it all inside. I was never the type to show, though it was too much since i was scared.

Thankfully a new doctor came by to tell us he was up for the task and i remember everyone getting up to hear the news and updates.. The memorable thing i remember was my grandpa telling the doctor to have passion when he works on her. During this whole time we couldn't see her.

The doctor said that the reason why it happened was because she was in an enormous amount of stress.. Hearing it made all the sense in the world since i've been living with her all my life.

As the doc left to do preparations, the nurses gave us permission to look at her one at a time before she goes into surgery. One by one everyone got a good look at her. I can't remember what she looked like sadly but i remember what she looked like after the surgery. After the long hours of waiting the doctor comes in and gives us the good news, she's going to make recovery, however, delving into the problem more it shows that i could run through the family. And well.. It happened to our grandpa this time though it was years after and thankfully a small incident.

Moving to the point.. I feel a great paranoia is growing within me. Its effect has a good grasp of me. I fear i may go through that same ordeal, the things my mom mentioned has happened but in a very small way and noticing them makes things worse. I takes me hours to calm myself before sleeping and even then i wake up trying to calm myself again. We don't have the money to go to a docter, we don't have the time to walk through it. The back of my head is holding so much fear that it's changing how i can calm myself. I don't want to leave.