thankfully the pain is nearly gone, but now i feel guilty. i hate him sincerely but it's making me feel bad. why do my emotions have to be so cruel? rage is the only way to cover up what feelings i have left but i can't even hold that without feeling terrible. i often wish i was the cruel heartless b***h i feel like when i hurt people. at least then i could hurt others without having to hurt myself. pain may be nice when self inflicted but in situations like these it isn't. it really hurts. when you're slicing or pinching or puncturing yourself its a sting and a rush. and then its gone. just a mark that fades away, maybe scars. but it all fades away and it doesn't hurt you any more. in your mind it's different. the pain is longer and deeper. and it doesn't just fade. the cuts never heal. you can pressure them at any time and the pain is as sharp and fresh as ever. if only i could forget...so much i wish i could forget...
later developements, the hate is gone. just disappeared. i tried to distract myself but it only works for so long. with the anger gone i want to cry...all i want to do is cry...how many tears are too many to waste on someone who's gone, probably for good; and you aren't supposed to care for anymore? how many nights are too many to spend awake wishing and wondering, and how many mornings are too many to wake up with tears on your pillow from dreams of them? any? it feels like too many...too many wasted tears...so why can't i stop crying?
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