Ana walked in the living room then with Flet and Jet at her heels. I looked away and at Mat playing Mario Kart Wii. He had the game paused and looked between me, and Ana. There had been a lot of tension between me and her sense she had tried to act like she was my mo- my guardian the other day. Everythime she tried to talk to me I would snap, or explode in her face. At this point she just stopped talking to me all together, apparetnly tierd of my hostile nature towards her. Seeing, and being around Mat relaxed me though. He could always put a smile on my face. Aoi was racing him, and annoyed he wouldn't get back to the game. Ana left the room, and I slowly relaxed again. "She wasn't trying to take your parent's place." He said. I didn't respond. I think he meant to say mom, but stopped himself. "Mat, come on!" Aoi winned. "I wanna kick your butt." They went back to there game, and I layed down on the couch again. I started to think about trust again. Mat was different then most boys though. He wasn't a jerk, he wasn't a pervert, and he wasn't abusive. He was...sweet, and gentle. Maybe I could trust him. "No, Melissa, your can't! Remember that experience! You couldn't ever trust a boy after, and you can't now!" The annoying voice in the back of my head told me. I heaved a sigh. What was the right choice? Trust him or not? What was right and what was wrong? Good or bad? I didn't know what to do. I was confused. I like him, but I didn't want to get hurt again. All the boys I ever liked hurt me so would he hurt me to? I stopped thinking and drifted off.I jerked up, and screamed. cold sweat covered my face. I could feel my heart pounding against my chest. That memory! that nightmare again! I thought. Why can't I forget it?! "Are you ok?" I looked around towards the kitchen, scared at who spoke. I realized it was Mat. He was cleaning up his dishes. He was looking at me like he'd seen a ghost. "What do you mean?" I asked. "Are you ok?" He repeated. "No, I meant what makes you think I'm not ok?" I asked him. I was annoyed. "You were tossing and turning screaming for something or someone to leave you alone. Telling them or it to stop touching you." Mat said. How much had I said? Did I say enough to where he knew what had happened to me as a kid? No. He couldn't have...could he? "Maybe some air will help you." He said. "Yeah...yeah maybe it will. Air definetly sounds good." I said getting up. We walked quitly. The air helped enough to calm me down again. Mat noticed. He smiled at me. I smiled back a little weakly. We were walking along the streets of the abandoned buildings (the recently closed shops near the main shopping distrect and beach). It was looking like a storm or heavy rain was coming. The sea was stormy and uneasy. Father was angry I still hadn't been found. I only hoped he wouldn't hand his trident to Ursuala to get me back. I knew she would just be blufing. But I think my dad would get desprete before long. I felt rain hit me in the head. "Oh no I can't turn into a mermaid here!" I cried. "Come on lets hide in one of the buildings." Mat said. I ran with him he kept up a pace with me, and it wasn't bad considering I wasn't athletic.
Mat and I sat in the buildings floor and listened to the rain falling and watched it outside the open door waiting for it to stop. I was so distracted by the rain I didn't notice Mat coming towards me. He was edging towards me. He stopped a few feet from me. I got up and went to the window to look our the window. I leaned away from the window and against the wall. Then Mat was right in front of me. "Mat..." I said. "Is...there something wrong?" He pinned he wrists to the wall, and lend in towards me. I blushed what was he doing?! He's eyes closed, and one of his hand gently held my chin in the palm of his hand. Then his lips were pressing against mine. I liked the feeling. It was warm...loving...passonite. I was starting to get into the kiss though, but I had to stop it, because it felt so wrong. I had Lelouch, and though I liked kissing Mat, I belonged to Lelouch. I didn't know if this was how I truely felt about Mat. Then with a move I regreated later, I took my free hand and slapped him across the face. His cheek turned red, and was a little swollen. He looked at me. I felt like he was angry, but he didn't seem the type. But could you blame me for smacking him? He'd kissed me unesxpectidly. But I had to, so I guess he was getting even or something. Mat had suggested feelings for me, and I mean love feelings, for the past few days, and this was his apparent way of finally saying it. I stared at him, holding the hand I slapt him with. I didn't really understand why I did, I knew I was blushing though. "Why is it that you keep rejecting me like this?" He asked. "You know inside yourself, your heart, that you like me, but you won't admit it!" He leaned in to kiss me again and I pushed him away. "Is it Lelouch?" He asked.
"No." I said, my voice shacky. Part of it was a lie though. Though I was loyal to Lelouch, most of my reasons for rejecting and refusing to accept my love in Mat, lied in my childhood. An experince that tested my trust in boys ever sense. "Why are you scared? What are you so afraid of?" He asked. "Is there more to it then just Lelouch and me?" I felt unconfrotable now. I didn't talk about my past with anyone. Not even my friend back home but that was because she was so close to me that she knew right away at some point. "I....don't...want to talk...about it." I said. "What are you afraid of?" He repeated. "I'll tell you. Your afraid...that your hurting Lelouch by loving me. Your afraid that I'm going to hurt you like him (jordan), and every other boy that's hurt you. Your afriad that I'm just going to break that fragile," He placed his hand where my heart was "little heart. Is that it?" "I'm not afraid of anything." I said. "Then why do you reject me?" He asked. "Because..." I said, my voice cracking. I looked away. I think he saw something in my eyes then. Like he knew there was more to it then just me being afriad though I'd deniy it. There in my eyes he saw something that showed him something. What it was I'm not sure. I ducked around him so I was a little less unconfrotable. He still kept asking for me to explain to me what I was afraid of. I wonder if he had caught on to the fact that it was a bad thing that tested me in trusting boys. As I walked away, now that the rain had stopped, he followed. He didn't speak but I think he was still curious. When we got back to Ana's he started to ask again but I rushed to my room to hide. I didn't want to talk about it.
I hid in my room the rest of the day, to avoid Mat asking about what it was besides being hurt by boys that made me not want to trust him or any other boy. I went to bed without dinner or lunch that day. I woke up the next morning to find breakfast on my bedside table in my room the next morning, and Mat sitting in a chair next to my bed staring at me. How'd he get in? I thought. I'd had the door locked using magic. "I know there's something bothering you, Melissa. I know there's something besides the boys always rejecting you that makes you not trust them...including me. Just tell me already. I'm not going to judge you. I'm not going to hurt you." He said. "I can probably help if you'd just tell me what's going on. Why are you so untrustive of me? If it's not Lelouch, then why are you rejecting me like this?" Why did he want to know so bad? Answer me that jeez. I didn't know if I could trust him with knowing something this personal about me. It was something I never talked about for another....not with anyone...not even my brothers or sisters. Would he judge me? Would he see me as a completly different person? Would he still have his appart feelings for me? It all led back to trust in the end. Which I lacked in having in boys. He wasn't anything like most boys I knew. He didn't seem the type to judge to quick (I hoped anyways). "Melissa, talking is only going to help make it better. Talking always helps. You need to talk. Keeping it bottled up is just going to make it worse and worse till finally you let it out in a way you don't want to. Crying, screaming, breakdown something. If you don't talk now that's what's going to happen. And you might possibly hurt youself. I'm not letting that happen." Mat said. In the end I think he was right. A lot of times these days I felt like crying and there was no apparent reason too. I was always angry for no reason, always wanting to cry. My brother Kaname said I sometimes just seemed so isolated and quite sense that one horrible experince when I was younger. All my siblings said I wasn't like what I used to be like when I was really young...like a toddler. They said I'd always kept to my room after that experience, and they would hear me crying and screaming in my sleep. Was Mat right about possibly having this breakdown or whatever? But could I trust him with my darkest secret? "Melissa..." He said. I looked down at my hand and noticed his was on top of mine. I looked up at him. He was smiling at me gently. One that made me feel I could trust him. That he wouldn't judge me. That's when, "Ok, I'll tell you, but you have to promise you won't judge me.", I decided I could trust him. I would tell him my darkest secret.
To be continued in Chapter 52...
