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I’m in love with my boyfriend. He’s so perfect with me in every way. God we just go together so well… you think I would be perfectly happy.. but we had an incident about a month ago, and now I find it so hard to trust him.
You see, we had plans to go out on a double date with a new couple on a Thursday afternoon and plans to go out on Friday as well. I had tried to text him, and very unlike him, he never got back to me. Not five minutes later, not two hours later, never. So I drove over to his new house. They had just moved. His brother looked up at me and said that he had not seen him since nine that morning. Right away that was strange to me, because I knew he was awake and not returning my messages. Then his brother took me aside so his step dad wouldn’t hear and said, “I think he’s at the old house”
I was so upset, I didn’t know whether to be sad or angry and I sped to the old house where the door was unlocked and I walked in to the most disgusting scene. My boyfriend passed out in the kitchen floor with his cell phone a few feet from his head, 25 beer cans laying all around him, his ex girlfriend and her new boyfriend standing over him, his 16 year old cousin awake but drunk. They were all wasted except his ex.
I sat down on the mattress he was laying on. The mattress that used to be downstairs that many couples had used to mess around or ********, including us. Now it was flea infested from where the house had been vacant for days and the bugs had a chance to multiply. One of his drunk friends said they had started drinking at noon, which meant he didn’t care at all that we had plans.
I talked to him, but he was so wasted all he could say was “hm..” to anything I said. His cousin dragged me outside and said that he planned on breaking up with me. At first I was devastated. I love this boy… I thought. But then she began to cry uncontrollably and I knew the alcohol had her acting crazy and probably lying.
My boyfriend and his friend somehow made it outside and his friend came back inside and told me that I would be the only one that could talk to him. I walked out to see him laying face down in the yard. I kept talking to him until he finally decided to respond with actual words. He was now in the fetal position with his head between his legs. He said that was the only way he could talk without puking. He said his cousin was bullshitting. That he had never talked about breaking up with me. He was drunk because he was depressed about his father who had died two years ago. I knew his dad was dead, but the depression was new to me. He was great at faking a smile, apparently. I held his limp body as he heaved, not really caring if he threw up on me or not. I cried and cried while he cursed the name of God. He told me to stop crying, but I couldn’t help it. The pain that I was already feeling for being forgotten was melding with the pain that he was feeling for his dad, and I lost it. He said nothing, but just dangled in my arms.
I convinced him to come back inside. It was 103 degrees outside. We were cooking. I laid him down on the couch and he reached out for me. He wanted me to stay. He laid his head in my lap and held my hand. Even leaned up a few times to kiss me with dry lips. But I knew he still wasn’t the boy I loved. He finally fell asleep. He had not slept in three days before that and passed out. He became so hot against my body that I thought I was going to pass out and I had to get away from him.
I held his head for two hours, holding ice on his face, chest, arms. He was so hot. I was so afraid.
His ex watched me. Why was she sober anyway? Wouldn’t she have just drank with the rest of them? She sighed and lit up a cigarette, offering it to me. I gladly took it, craving the nicotine comfort. My body so stressed I was shaking. She watched us for a while then sighed.
“Why do you hate me?” She asked. I looked at her.
“Because you start s**t with my boyfriend. You try to make him feel bad.” I said.
She frowned. She apologized and said that after seeing the way I looked at him while I held his head and put ice on his cheek that nothing was coming between us.
I left. I couldn’t take it anymore. I sat at the local coffee house for hours, late into the night, trying to think about what I had done wrong. Who was lying? Did he want to break or had he even said anything about it? I went home, sick. I hadn’t eaten anything that day. My stomach wouldn’t allow it. His step dad text me asking why there were holes in the wall at the old house. Why were there drunk teenagers laying in the floor. All I could text back was “Is he okay? Is he conscious?”
The next day was like a storm brewing nearby. I drove to his house, knowing we still had plans that day. I walked in his room and saw him sleeping still. He woke and stared at me. I offered him a cigarette to come sit outside.
I told him that if he planned to break up with me that he needed to do it then and to stop leading me on. He hugged me and told me he had never planned on that.
We went to his mom’s house so he could see his sister. Strange thing was, his cousin was still texting me, still saying my boyfriend wanted to break. I showed him the texts and he denied it all. There was only one person that I knew wouldn’t lie to me… so I called his step dad. He sighed.
“Honey, he did say that if Amber (his other ex) moved back down here he would drop you like a hot potato.” There was that feeling again. Do I cry or do I scream?
“He had talked about breaking up with you.”
I pretty much hung up on him after he said sorry a million times. I began to walk over to my love to confront him and broke down in front of him, repeating what I had heard. He fumbled over his words as he looked at me. My phone vibrated and I looked down at it. His step dad had text me.
“Of course he DID also say that he loved you. Oh and that incident was 5 weeks ago.”
Now I was even more upset. Why would they bring up something from that long ago? He had probably already forgotten all of it and fallen in love with me by now. Why was his cousin trying to ruin us over bullshit? He looked over at me and said he didn’t know what he wanted. I went and sat in the car. I cried and cried. I couldn’t lose him!
After about thirty minutes, I heard the passenger door open and his arms flew around me. I sobbed still for another twenty minutes. I told him I didn’t know what I’d do if he left me and he asked me when he ever said he was leaving.
So you see why I have issues with trust in our relationship. Does he always tell me the truth? Now he’s going back to school. It’s his senior year and today was his first day back since we both just got back from Florida yesterday. I don’t know why, but I’m so afraid he’ll meet someone else and either keep it a secret or break everything off with me. He’s a senior this year, me a freshman in college. We’re going to be totally separated. We’re used to seeing each other every day. Every waking moment. I just wonder if we will fall apart now or grow stronger.
Today is the first day I will not get to see him in over two months. I’m a nervous wreck. All of this makes me realize…
I’m in love with my boyfriend. He’s so perfect with me in every way.
 lonely-shadow · Tue Aug 03, 2010 @ 09:49pm · 0 Comments |
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