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Today is a day for wishing. Twenty weeks ago, to the day, was a day I will not soon forget. August 24th was the day that marked the beginning of a four month period in which I lost all contact with the man I care deeply for. Each week was more painful than the last. Yet, even when I felt like I was already giving up, my heart would not let go. I was never angry with this man. Yes, I knew there were ways of contacting me, even for brief moments, but I never held it against him for not utilizing those. Those around me were the angry ones. "If he really cared as much as he said" "If it were me" those sort of words. I told them that he is who he is, and there was a reason for his actions, or lack there of according to others.
The new brings many things, though.
After four months, the pain was too great for me to handle alone. So, I tried to rid myself of it. I thought that I couldn't bear such pain, and perhaps my efforts weren't worth the suffering. So, I attempted to move on.
The evening of the 6th, I logged on here to discover a message in my inbox. A reply to an old "I miss you" message. My heart leaped... then broke. It took me at least ten minutes to read the message. The words stunned me. I sent a painful reply, trying to say goodbye. By the time I went to sleep that night, I was still in shock. The next afternoon was when those words finally impacted me.
I was so upset. If life had a face, I would have punched it. I really would have. I had plans... for a life with another man, who I am very close to. This man knew of the one who had been gone for so long. At one point, I came back on here, deleted the reply I'd sent, and sent a new one. I poured my heart out in the form of a rant. Less than an hour later, I got a reply. ...He told me to be calm, and I was calm. He told me to find peace in his forgiveness, and I was joyful.
That evening, my ex stopped over, like I'd asked him not to because I needed time to think. So, both men knew of each other. The next day, the day of the full moon, my ex chose to surrender. I chose the man who had been gone for so long, by letting this other one walk out the door without stopping him. I was a bit unsure of my choice, but those feelings very quickly vanished.
This morning I had a dream. It was a very wonderful dream. The man I chose was spending time with me. We simply talked, like all my other dreams of him. Just being in the same room with him meant so much. At one point, I wrapped myself around him, literally. He wrapped his arms around me, and began walking. I noticed he had walked farther than where the door to the room should have been, and asked where he was going, without looking up. He told me he was running away with me for a while, and that he could get there faster if I wanted. I nodded. He held me tighter, and began to run. I was then woken up by a phone call. Darn.
But, then I saw today's date, and a message in my inbox.
Today is a day for wishing.