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and i feel if i write everything i feel it'll magically fade |
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i feel as if all the s**t in my life is here to stay and then five minutes later i feel as if i've just taken a dump and it's all gone for good. but it's not. the toilet of life clogs up and spills it back over the bowl and onto the floor for it to evaporate into the air and find it's way back to me.
ok, that was rather disgusting but my friend told me my previous journal entries were depressing, so i put in a bit of potty talk in order for a bit of a change. now i'm gonna be serious, reguardless of how depressing it may sound, because the fact of the matter is being blunt usually helps if put in the right way (unlike my lil sis's idea of being blunt where she basically just shows that she's a b***h)
ok, so here's the deal. i'm going completely downhill and i dunno if i only think that because it's summer and i have little purpose in life or if because it's the truth (all that s**t about women's intuition is freaking me out now). and i feel as if i have to wait until i'm an adult to make the world a better place, but everything is basicaly non-profit and without profit you can't become successful and have a happy family.
in addition to that, i feel as if this lie i'm living is gonna screw me over in the long run. i'm thinking of how i'm waiting for november to see my whole family and to hang out all lovingly and eat a bunch of food that all the moms stressed over cooking for the past week. but i'm worried that it'll all change the day that i get married. at least half of my family will reject me because of it and the other half either wont care or won't care enough to wanna persuade the others that it's ok. and i wanna believe i can change that but you cna't change a stuborn mind easily and considering we're related i can guarantee they're as stubborn as i am.
and now i'm totally freaking cuz i don't wanna live with my stupid lil sister who's always talking about s**t in her life and bitching to me about it as if i have no problems myself and i know that's what i'm doing now which is why i know that people will take one glance at this and never really read it but i don't even care cuz there's nothing i can do, and i would prolly do the same thing if i felt bored but not bored enough, cuz it takes someone with serious boredom to bother with all of this s**t.
and so many people are referring to me as a bad influence, even my parents. but they aren't accepting responsibility for spawning me the way i am or for raising me to be loud and obnoxious and every other negative thing that i am because it's easier to blame the kid for listening to bad music than to admit that they bought it for me. and i'm not a bad influence, i don't even behave badly usually. and when im around adults, if they don't cuss, neither do i.
and i wanna feel as if leaving here will make everything in my life better, but i know otherwise so it's as if there's nothing i can do to make my life let alone the world just a lil bit better. and i know that that's wrong but it's all i can think, because its all i've trained myself to think after living with flakes and being lied to and learning about reality the only way there is to learn about it; the shitty way where you learn 'life sucks but thats reality' way.
and i feel as if i need a good vice, something that'll make it go away; make the stupid s**t seem to disappear for just a lil. but whenever i do find something, once i stop, i feel ok. but then night creeps up upon me and i'm flooded by all of the s**t altogether and it gnags me all night long and i have no way to escape it cuz there is no way to escape it cuz escaping is only in the books for children, only in the PG movies where the main character leaves her life to go marry a prince.
i wish i wanted a prince and not a princess. i wish at least one stupid part of myself would change. i wish i were a boy, so it wouldn't matter that i dream of holding Her close and kissing a woman and i wish i were stupider so maybe then i wouldn't think so much, because its true that ignorance is bliss. and i wish that i could possibly find a way to not have to wish for these things but make them a reality; born a boy, not made one. born straight. born stupid. maybe if i were stupid, dad wouldn't gnag me about spending 3 hours on an assignment that i can finish in 5 minutes. maybe if i were stupid i would be able to imagine an escape without believeing it's impossible. maybe if i were a boy i wouldn't even need all of these wishes and would be able to feel as if my sister wouldn't judge me, my mom wouldn't judge me, the rest of my unknowing family to judge me when they get the invite to the lesbian marriage. but the fact is all of that's impossible, because wishes are stupid thoughts that we all can THINK but NEVER EVER IN A MILLION LIFE-TIMES accomplish. and i wish someone would read this whole thing and never mention it but just understand why i'm so messed up. but no one's gonnna read all this s**t, because they have they're own problems and worrying about mine is stupid when they have they're own, and TRUST ME! I KNOW THIS! i wish i didn't but i do, and i wish i were with my friends because i don't wanna be here in this stupid house masquerading as a normal teenage girl with normal issues. i know i'm not. i know too much. why can't it be like the movies where if you know too much, you die. that would be exponentially easier. anything would be easier. the thing i DON'T know is why God is challenging me so much. what did i do? i mean, i've been trying to get good karma lately. did i fail at that too?
********! I WISH THIS WAS ALL JUST OVER!
 the_forgotten_thought · Sat Jul 19, 2008 @ 01:16am · 0 Comments |
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