how i feel. i mean, i guess too many different things at once to actually understand. it's kinda sad that the ultimate wish in my life is to be understood but i myself cant quite get it.
today was a good day. i mean, it was an awesome day once you get past the whole school thing. i mean, for real, i only like one of my classes, and that's spanish.
i guess i'm just kinda sad. and i don't really have a reason to be. i just am. it's like this eating feeling from within. i can hold it off, supress its consuming darkness for hours at a time. but eventually it catches up to me. in the dead of night, in the early morning. it just comes back. i find myself close to tears in my seat in class; filled with sorrow while marching in the morning; resisting the tears as i lie in bed and await glorious sleep. and i dont even know where it comes from. it just does.
and i sit, wondering to myself why i'm so sad, why i can't smile as much as i used to or as i did not long ago. the only thing i can think is that its subconcious remorse and regret. but my regrets are long past. how could they still be catching up to me?
i dunno how any of this emotion stuff works. i don't care. all i know is i find myself in pain and soon the pain turns physical. then i take tylonal. then i feel better, on the inside and out. but i can't grow dependent on that as my "anti-suicide". i promised myself to never grow dependent on anything. maybe needing music everyday sounds dependent, but it's not. not in the same way.
then i find myself regretting everything. find myself dreading every moment i waste in this depressed state. but i can't stop it. it's involuntary; trust me, no one wants to feel this. if you have felt this way, you know exactly what i'm talking about.
i dont' understand how i can be so genuinly happy in the day and yet so painfully depressed in the evening.
thanks for reading, assuming you did. i love you. later
 the_forgotten_thought · Fri Sep 12, 2008 @ 05:31am · 1 Comments |
