|
|
|
i dunno... i feel stupid. i always feel stupid. like, i'm not even making sense, because i feel stupid because i'm smart. see? that qualifies me as stupid; i cant make sense.
ok, it's like this... i'm in the "smart people" english class, right? but i hate to say this, and people would prolly hate me for saying this, but i'm too smart for it. like, i dunno if it's a problem- no, it has to be a problem. it wouldn't make sense otherwise- but i learn way too fast. like, being in that class makes me more frousterated than anything else. see, i'm really smart- i'm not even being concieted. i was litterally born a fast learner- and all i can do in that class is listen as other people question how to do something or say that they don't get it. and it's annoying, because i know it all, and i don't wanna be held back because some people can't do it. i wanna move on. when i was younger, my school would get higher and higher level work so no child would be bored. i had a sixth grade reading level in the second grade. but... i dunno. now-a-days, at my high school, they don't do that. they don't bend the rules to help you learn different things instead of sit bored. they hold you behind. and there's nothing i can do about that. i just have to deal with it. but all of my classes are like that- biology, algebra. it's all that way. the only exception is spanish, and thats' because that teacher is good and doesn't wait for dumbasses.
here's why i'm stupid though. because i'm bored, i have to be a distraction. and everyone hates hearing me in that class. i dont blame them, i mean, if i didn't know what i was doing, i'd be upset by some chick buggin the teacher. but the thing is, the teacher doesn't like me. i'm bored and we hate each other. what else can i do but argue about how much better her class could be?
i'm not used to being forced to learn normally. it doesn't work for me. i always have to do something new if i'm bored. but the teacher won't let me. i can't even sit there quietly with my head down cuz she has to come over and bug me, which leads me to having an arguement about there being nothing to do. i work really fast, because if i didnt, i'd lose my train of thought because my mind goes too fast. and i know why. everyone thinks i have adhd, and i'm realizing why it's called a learning disability. it actually makes you smarter and makes you work faster and makes you a non stop thinker. that's why i can never stop moving. that's why i write so fast. that's why my mouth and pen go a mile a minute. and i never got help for it. maybe if i did, no one would hate me so much. but i didnt' and now because of the learning environment i'm in when they don't give you something to do, i have no choice but to be a distraction. and it makes me sad to know that after so long of trying to control myself, i can't. it makes me really wanna cry. i mean, how would you feel if you suddenly found out that you had hardly any control over your actions? it's a crappy feeling, and i know that some of you have also felt it, cuz i can't be the only one who's parents have seen their kid has adhd but didn't do anything for them.
i wish that i could slow down. i wish people wouldn't have to hate me. then it would be easier to know how to act when people showed they loved me. i mean, whenever someone calls me honey or asks me how i am, i can't help but think what they want. like, they ask that, and i assume they wanna borrow money or answers or something. and then everyone wants hugs, but now i'm overwhelmed by them. i mean, i get so many that i start thinking that they mean nothing. and then i think, maybe it's just that they wanna feel someone, maybe they don't care who it is that hugs them. but, i mean, i wanna make people feel good... i just have trouble feeling good myself. i dunno. i think... i don't even know what i think. that's why i'm stupid. i know so much, but where does it get me if i can't be happy. once i lose my audience, i want to cry. there's no one to give fake sympathy. there's no one to think i'm weak. but i still cant. i dunno. and at this point, there really is no help. other than don't let me be alone. that's the one thing that'll kill me.
 the_forgotten_thought · Tue Nov 18, 2008 @ 06:04am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
