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i dunno what's wrong with me, but suddenly i feel compelled to hold someone. like, i dunno. i was sittin on zach's couch with him and jerry and i realized that i hadn't hugged ANYONE all day. i know, most random thing to notice, but unless you count jumping on someone's back and having them carry you for a lil while as a hug, this is the first day that i've been with any of my friends and never hugged them!!!
i dunno. i just feel so shitty. like, my parents are ******** with my emotions. i'm not even lying, ******** with them! and i just wanna take a ******** baseball bat and destroy everything! i wanna destroy cars and fences and windows and just run around wreaking havoc. but i don't wanna suffer the consequences. not the law, but my parents hating me even more. like, they already hate me and i can't help it, but the idea of having them hate me anymore is just horrible at this point.
and i'm so alone. like, not in the world, obviously, since i was just with zach and jerry, but in my house. like, no one has my back because everyone thinks i'm stupid! it's like this- i told you about the whole del taco s**t, right? it should be a couple posts back. anyways, but the next morning (otherwise known as yesterday, haha) my mom started this rediculous arguement with me! apparently, she only yelled at me as loud as she did in order to wake up my sister so she could argue with her! and she didn't even argue with her! they were both just trying to make up in loud voices, but in the process, they both insulted me so much! my mom saying that i had just been a follower and didn't understand what was going on that night, and my sister saying that i was stupid and didn't help at all in the arguement! seriously, i'm not stupid! don't treat me like i am! don't yell about me, yell AT ME if you've got a problem! and then for my mom not even to listen to me about why i had been upset with her was even worse! they think i'm stupid so they won't even TRY to listen to me because they think it's not worth hearing!
anyways, i had to walk to school, missing zero period. i can't say that i was upset the whole day, cuz i was too excited for my basketball game and getting outta class early and missing english. but, like, when i got picked up, my parents were both in the car (with me alone. a surefire sign that i was headed for a fight) but they decided to fight psychologically instead of loudly. they told me that they were going out and left me alone at the house, explaining that they'd bring me something back. so they didn't wanna talk with me or be near me. after my game. when i'd hurt my knee. and won. and scored. it didn't matter to them.
then once they got home, i asked my dad if i could go chill with zach and jerry but he said no because i needed to go to some stupid church youth group thing the whole ******** day. i told him i couldn't because i had practice and he got really upset saying i'd have to miss it.
i slept all morning so that he wouldn't be able to wake me up to go. then i had to walk to practice, get a ride back, and hardly speak to him the entire day. but at least i was able to hang out with my friends. it's just... no one in this ******** house loves me, and i hardly felt any love at all today. i was complimented to much at practice that i was so happy at one point... but i was disappointed in myself because i drank really old milk and got sick. so like, it's like no matter what they said, i couldn't feel good.
today was fun, but i feel like s**t still. and i wish i didnt. i just feel so betrayed. i'm always there for my sis and she insulted me. i'm always there for my mom, and she started a fight with me and told me to get out of her house. my dad... well, i havent told him i loved him in months, so he should appreciate my honesty. it's just... i wanna feel important. and the only way i do is when i stand in the middle of the street or when i'm with the guys. but i can't be with them forever. i stop feeling good once i leave, so right now i'm kinda upset. but i'll grow up and get over it, i guess.
later. i know no one read this, but at least i got it out.
 the_forgotten_thought · Sun Jan 18, 2009 @ 06:39am · 0 Comments |
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