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alright, so here's another update on my life, just in case anyone forgot why, exactly, life sucks c**k for me.
well, last night my hero died. don't get me wrong, he's still living in the room down the hall from me, but i finally got it through my head that all these years i've been stupid for looking up to such a flakey selfish screw up. i mean, don't get me wrong, he showed me that i don't have to be extremely successful to be happy. he showed me that with enough lies and bull shitting, i can get as far as i apply myself and out of most trouble. he was the only one in my family who supported me being basically a guy. but he also showed me that no matter how smart i am and how hard i try, i may always be stuck in the valley. to think, i used to not mind that problem. he also showed me that there will always be something more important than me to concern people with so that no matter how i feel (which is pretty shitty) chances are, people will only care for five minutes at best. thanks, mikey, for giving me someone to look up to since i was a five year old bull shitter, but it's time i look up to myself cuz after tons of thinking, i'm my own best role model.
i feel like such a loser. i've lost all motivation to even go to school every ******** day and my parents aren't helping at all. i can't talk to my mom. about anything. i'm a ******** up in her eyes and she will never love me as much as the other two now that she knows i'm gay. haha, some inspiration for any of you desiring to come out of the closet. today she was talking to me on our way to jack in the box and she was like, "oh i like you're shorts. where'd you get them?" and i told her from the vans store. then she was like "are they boys or girls" and i responded honestly, telling her that they're boys. suddenly, she hated them and told me that i should dress like a girl even if i am gay cuz i'm still not a boy. hello, this is coming from the woman who is wearing jeans and a t-shirt. oh, but i'm not dressed like a slut like my older sister and i have "such a cute little body" that i should dress appropriatly. sorry i'm not a hoochi mother.
as for my dad, well, we all know he doesn't like me that much. i had thought we were slightly closer. i mean, this is the guy who trusts me with a gun (i have spectacular aim! i shot a target with my left hand only that was at least 50 feet away) and who trusts me driving a car yet he stilll can't be proud of me? am i really that much of a screw up? i mean, it's not like i'm smokin pot every weekend (though i came home a couple weeks ago and he was checkin to see if i'd been drinking). i swear, i can never make either of my parents proud. i was in basketball, so you'd think they'd be proud that i'm being social and doing a sport. but no, i only made the freshman team. so i'm obvously not any good, so why bother going to my games? why bother caring about it? then whenever i get a call or letter from my school he's always telling me to go and buy black shirts and khaki pants (the uniform for the continuation school i live right next to) as if it's some sort of joke. then the ******** gives me hell about "you're assistant principal called for a meeting" yet the next day he doesn't even show up for it. everyone throws a b***h fit the second ashleigh gets in trouble but when i do no one could care less except that i might get expelled (which i obviously won't. i'm not nearly that bad. it's just one ******** teacher who hates me.)
it's so stupid to go to school. half my classes are a waste of time. in bio, i finish my work in 20 minutes so what's the rest of the hour for? i've been typing since ******** third grade yet the school screwed me over so i have to take typing both semesters! how stupid! then i have algebra one, which is so easy but no one else in the class gets it, not to mention my teacher doesn't like me any more, lord knows why. i never do anything wrong in that class, so why she doesn't like me i dunno. i thnk she just isn't fit to be a teacher and she hates everyone at this point. and the one time i actually needed help she didn't do s**t. how ********. then english is a waste of time cuz that b***h hates me. i've spoken english my whole life and written paragraphs and stories since first grade (i was a precoscious little brat) but the school insists i waste my time on it. the only classes i like are band and spanish and only cuz those are actually fun. oh, but dad is so upset that i didn't make ******** honor band. i had a lot of competition. i didn't just throw the audition, i actually tried. so my best wasn't good enough, i'm just a freshman, get the ******** over it!
i hate my life. i hate everything. ******** me. ******** the world. i hate it all. i just wish it were over and that i never had to waste another day at school or anything again. ugh, and now dad's pissed at me cuz my phone broke. i swear, i can never just have both parents happy with me. mom hates that i'm not a little slut and that i'm gay while dad hates... well, everything about me. ******** my life, man. i hate it.
 the_forgotten_thought · Sun Apr 26, 2009 @ 07:20pm · 1 Comments |
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