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i've done it. i've gone so far as to regress back to the kid that i was, the kid i never wanted to be; i thought i'd escaped it, but i guess that's just another one of those life lessons: there's no such thing as leaving the past.
I'm scaring people. they think i'm heartless and violent and scary. and, i dunno, even if they're kidding, a part of me can't help but feel hurt by it. and of course, when i feel hurt, i get angry and push them more. i can't deal with my feelings like normal people. I'm not a normal person. they fear me, they understand i'm different, and yet none of them watch what they do. well, they do, because after they know they ******** up, they freak out and try to defend themselves, regardless of whether or not i'm ready to strike. the thing is, it hurts. its as though i'm a monster and i cant control myself. the thing is, i don't actually hurt people for them to get the idea that i'm violent. it's like there's an aura or something that makes them watch their moves. either that, or i just dont see how bad i get. apparently even when i'm sitting there happily and finally calm (which is rare and i love the feelig of it) i look pissed off. nothing's more scary to people than the moment i do get upset. well, unless you're one of those few people that knows i won't hurt anyone. i'm not a monster. well, no, i try not to be a monster. it's just, no one can see that, and since no one can see it, they don't know how to act.
yup. back to my sixth grade intimidating self. but this year, the teacher isn't as understanding. i don't have people appreciating me as much as they used to. they think i'm funny, but the second i get serious, they won't have it. im either entertainment or a threat. i hate this.
worst of all is that i've completely disappointed everyone, but mainly myself. in fact, i dunno if anyone else is disappointed- i think they all gave up on me long ago when they realized i needed help but didn't do s**t- but i'm positive that i am angry at myself for what ive done. i came home with a headache and hating the world. and i wanted to feel good. i wanted to stop the pain. i wanted to end it and so i downed four pain killers. i know, four isn't that bad, considering how i used to be, but it's insane. in a matter of fifteen minutes after going so long avoiding the need for it- not need, want- i finally gave in and just took them. how weak am i that i had to succumb to that once again? how weak am i that i am still reliant on them? how weak am i that i can't find happiness without it?
i found my "nowhere" this week. there's nowhere to hide, so i set out to find nowhere. but nowhere isn't a place that doesn't exist, but rather a place in which you don't exist. it's a place you can go where you won't matter and no one will bug you and no one will notice you because as far as anyone is concerned, they are alone when they're there. i found my nowhere and it was great. i hid from that demon of my past- the one that scares everyone and rebels over nothing and gets angry at the world and does everything she can from breaking down and crying because she knows no one in the world gives a s**t about her and the one who abuses the pain meds because they should kill every damn pain!- and it felt wonderful. until it caught up with me today.
my week was shitty and only got worse now that ive given up. i feel like a loser. i feel like i'm a failure at life. i feel like i'll never be cursed; i'll always be this ******** up monster that no one loves and no one wants to be with the second she stops being funny. i'm a ******** up. i'm a disappointment. no wonder im third favorite.
 the_forgotten_thought · Sat May 23, 2009 @ 06:25am · 1 Comments |
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