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My PMS is kicking in late... I guess that makes it DMS. wait, what does that "s" stand for? I know it's pre menstral... something or other. haha, hey, that fits the acronym!
anyways, back to what i was talking about. i'm not here to make cheap jokes and lame humor. i need to just say how i'm feeling. i feel like s**t. i dunno, i was feeling pretty... well, alright during the day. like, i was gonna say pretty good, but that's a bit much. i actually felt rather apathetic. then i hung out with my sister for a lil while. can we all just guess by this point how that made me feel?
i'm being over-shadowed again. i went to them. i asked for help. people always say the hardest part is asking for help when you need it. i spent YEARS just going around and acting like nothing was wrong, and trying to hide my problems. i spent so much time by myself, training myself not to cry because i had no one there to cry on and i needed to be strong if i was going to be alone. but i was sick of being alone. i was sick of the pain, the depression, the lonliness that just wouldn't leave me no matter how great i felt. it always lingered somewhere in the back of my mind, the shadow following me until it caught up and fell into step, taking over my being and swallowing me in it's darkness. i was SICK OF IT! so i asked for help. i went to mom and dad. multiple times. i told my dad first. he said he would do something. did he? lemme put it this way, i had to bring it up again. and again. then i told my mom alone, thinking that because she has clinical depression, it was finally something she could relate to and help me with. wrong.
why am i always wrong about this stuff? why do i always get comfortable and assume that they'll understand me just to get crushed? i don't wanna go back into my untrusting shell, hiding half my life from my parents. now that i look at it, though, hiding it's all redundant, because they don't notice when i tell them straight up.
no, they did nothing. they rarely do. but now they have a reason. now, instead of ashleigh being the familiar shadow cast down on me, it's my brother. my brother, who acts as though he hates me these days. my brother, who spends hours in his room quietly (gee, what other kid in this house is just like that?). they don't see it. they don't see the connection. just because mikey is TRYING to stay private about it and not reaching out for the help he needs, they focus all of their attention on him. there's two of them and two of us with problems. why can't we share?
cuz i'm not important. cuz i've always seemed like this. i always seemed gay, yet they were in denial, so i guess it makes sense that when i come out that i need help and feel hopeless and alone, they assume it's a lie.
dont get me wrong. i'm trying. i'm trying my hardest to stay positive in every situation. i'm cleaning and washing all the cars just to get the reward of satisfactory in having put work into something and getting pleasure outta it. i'm taking pride even in losing in basketball just because i'm happy when we try. but i can't keep my happiness up. i just keep coming back in here, into my room. every night when i lay my head down to sleep, despite the exhaustion that washes over me, i can't sleep. instead, i get wrapping in the cold embrace of... something. i don't even know what! but no matter how many blankets i pile onto myself, i can never feel quite warm enough. i feel like s**t. i feel like those old ladies in life alert commercials; i've fallen and i can't get up. but there's no sense in me asking for help. no one wants to listen.
******** me. if you read this, congratulations. you actually have a heart. don't let your love go to waste on some pathetic chick over the internet. love the kid who's in your life and needs you around. no one deserves to be as ******** up as i am.
 the_forgotten_thought · Mon Jan 04, 2010 @ 09:07am · 1 Comments |
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