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so, not to be the typical teenage angst, but it has become an undeniable truth that people will find and use any excuse that they can to be angry with me. i used to think that i was rising in the ranks, and almost number two "favorite" kid. i know that's selfish and immature of me, but after being number three with a negative 20 in love from my parents, i must admit that i was sick of it and wished that my parents would accept my flaws as they do my siblings. it's just... (for lack of better, less whiney word) unfair.
so today, i was out with a friend. we haven't hung out in awhile, but whenever we do, we have a lot of fun. well, we ended up stopping back at the school and watching a baseball game. why? cuz why the hell not?
well, four o' clock rolls around. still no text from my father. or so i thought. four ten, i find that i had a missed alert. i was about five minutes late in replying to my dad's message asking if i needed a ride. i didn't wanna make him come back to the school if he just got home, cuz that would be rude and he would get mad at me. so, i asked him in return "well, are you at the school or at the house already?"
his response? "neither." gee, thanks for the ambiguity. totally what i was going for. so a couple minutes later, he sends a message elaborating. "i'm at fourth and olive" that's close to my house, but a lil far from the school, so i asked him if he was busy, explaining what i was doing.
yet again, my dad's response was a little more rude than i had expected. something about how that didn't answer his initial question of if i wanted a ride at all. so finally i just texted him, "Ok, sure." and i told him which gate to pick me up at. five minutes later, i get in the car and he's pissed at me, making rude comments, ignoring my casual talk, and just being a d**k! i explained to him that i didn't know if he was busy or not and i didn't wanna make him feel obligated to drop what he was doing just to get me. he told me that that was stupid and i didn't make any sense.
yeah, i'm sorry i took you into consideration, padre. i should've understood that you hate when people do that; that's why you get all bitchy when mom or my sister expect you to do stuff for them all the time. i'm sorry i bothered checking telling you what i was up to so you knew you didn't have to rush, because i know you hate feeling rushed. what was i thinking, actually listening to you? psh, that's retarded; why would i imagine that any person ever wanted to be thought about?! how stupid could i get?
god, sometimes i feel like adults contradict themselves only because they have that whole, "don't talk back to me!" lecture on their side. but the thing is, whenever someone gets mad at me, i get mad at myself. i tried not hating the world anymore, and all that happened was it brought upon an entire new vicious cycle of self loathing.
of all the apologies i've given and those i've neglected to make, i feel that one seems to be more relevent than ever right now. as i stare at the mirror, i look in the eye of a person who was hurt from the inside out. it was all my fault. well, mostly my fault. she could have been spared so much pain if it weren't for my stupidity--if i had only tried a bit harder or put a bit more thought behind my impulses. but that's what impulses are: people being stupid and following instinct. that's not an excuse; simply a fact i've come to terms with. and i'm sorry that i ever followed that.
 the_forgotten_thought · Thu Mar 18, 2010 @ 02:01am · 0 Comments |
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