|
don't worry about me, please |
|
|
|
|
|
|
i ******** hate myself. i feel so lame. i wish i were exaggerating because i can't stand being like this. i wish i were stronger than this. i know i'm stronger than this. why can't i stop being a p***y? why can't i go to sleep and just feel better in the morning? why am i always like this now?
god, and the more i think about it, the more i wanna just curl up a corner and stab myself. i really do just wanna bleed out, watching the puddle expand beneath me, watching pictures form like clouds in the sky. crimson pools of infinite beauty. yes, that's how they would look. that's how they always look. i just wanna... i wanna cut in right now and watch the beauty burst from my veins, because that's what i need right now; a pick me up to remind me that even though everything sucks and i just wanna break down and cry (scratch that. even though i'm breaking down and crying) i can still find beauty in the world.
i'm not writing this to ask for pity. i'm not writing this for anyone to worry. i know that no one does, and if you try to persuade me othewise, i honestly don't care, because i can't be stopped anymore. five years of repressed tears are finally spilling over from my lashes and dripping down my face, and i can't stand that. i hate feeling weak. and i can't stand hating myself, but since both are inevitable, i must find some form of solice.
i promise i'll try not to cut myself. i'll leave the beautiful pools to my imagination. god, i'm so lame i can't even hurt myself. but i wanna feel pain, is the problem. i want someone to fight me and just get the crap kicked outta me. i'm sick of the emotional pain, i want it to be physical. maybe sorrow is like energy; it can't be destroyed, only transfered. maybe if i make it REAL, i won't be able to feel it inside anymore? just another scientific theory. a lovely one. one that i truly wanna test. but no one wants to fight me. they all either love me too much, fear that i'll hurt them worse (because i can't get beaten up without fighting back; that much i really can't stop myself from) or a combination of the two.
how could people be afraid of this, though? how could i hurt anyone? all i seem capable of doing is picking like a vulture at the remains of my self-esteem and dragging myself further into the pits of my own personal hell. but no one wants to do anything about it. so i won't either. why should i? i've tried. i almost succeeded. just like i almost succeed at a lot of things, though, i failed miserably and hated myself, and i wish i would just stop this vicious cycle of self-loathing. it's beyond anything i can stand at this point, and i'm ready just to fall, forever. six feet. and stay there, food for the worms, as caskets ware and deteriorate. everything does. i know i already have, and i accept that it's my time to go.
i just wish i didn't have to do it alone.
 the_forgotten_thought · Tue Mar 30, 2010 @ 05:33am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
