seriously. i mean, i'm a combo of emotions right now, and at the point where i feel like s**t. it's totally lame. i want it to stop, but i can't make it. i can stop the pain for a little while, like, ignore it for a while. but it just keeps coming back. and i wanna go to one of my friends and just sit with them and cry and not think about them thinking any different of me, but to be honest, i cant bring myself to cry in private and i can't let it out period. it's as if i closed up my feelings and won't let them out to even myself. like when you have a password and give it to no one nor write it down, then get totally screwed when you realize that you forgot it. it's the kinda password that you can't email yourself. it's s**t and it's stupid. i wanna throw stuff against the wall and destroy an entire room; my entire house. but i don't wanna pick it up. i don't wanna face my parents once i destroy it. i want to disappear after i destroy everything. i wanna disappear now because i feel that i've destroyed everything already. my parents don't like me (there's a difference between like and love. you have to love flesh and blood. you don't have to like them), my sister is pissed at me for god-knows-what, and i just seem to be becoming more and more of a burden on everyone. i want to live with someone else. i wanna live with alex or kt or someone, at least one person, that i know loves me. but i know i'll do something stupid soon enough, and eventually they'll grow to loathe me too.
i want to stop hurting. i want to let out my pain, but i can't, cuz it'll only make people hate me more. in fact, i want to write this without sounding whiney and annoying, but i can't. it's just totally stupid how i have no control over anything anymore.
i hate time. in TIME this s**t is gonna be over. then in TIME it'll start over again. life is gay, time is why. they combined cause ******** pain. they suck. i wish they would both just end.
 the_forgotten_thought · Wed Jul 02, 2008 @ 08:02am · 1 Comments |
