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i've gone insane. i'm not even joking about it at this point. i mean, i feel as if i'm crazy. and it's not as if anyone around me is helping. i mean, my parents think that i need an intervention (cuz all their others have failed), my uncle and his fam i don't even wanna talk about, today i got home and was screaming just because no one could oppose. people are saying that i need help and whether or not is a joke isn't the question. it's just... i dunno. i don't wanna think about it and i don't wanna talk about it nor think about it, but it's so hard to get it off my mind. i feel like laughing out of place, and screaming because i can. i feel i've been lying and faking and posing and hiding and doing everything in my power to fuse myself with who THEY wanna see, and now that i've stopped caring about them, they don't wanna see who i am. thus forth i must be crazy, and i don't wanna think that that's the truth, because that would admit that it's also my fault and people do anything to blame anyone but themselves, and in the great scheme of things none of this matters, and it never will, but i wanna go down in history and make a difference and work on cars and scream til my lungs burst. i'll die and no one will know, but at least i'll never have to think. and my english teacher is making me write about myself but not make it personal, but so much of my happiness is a result of the small stuff and so much of my turmoil is too personal for the class and i don't wanna do it but she can't respect that. there's no respect, there's no love and there's no sense in anything i've said, because just as everyone else already knows i'm finally admitting that i've gone crazy.
can i rephrase all of that to hopefully regain whatever sanity and dignity i have left? ok, so here's the deal. i'm kinda upset because lately my lifes been going to hell in a handbasket and i'm completely pissed and sad and happy and confused and simple. i enjoy simplicity. but it's so simple and people overcomplicate it and it's horrible. i have to write an essay now about something that makes me who i am. some previous event that changed me into the woman i am today that at the same time isn't too personal. that's impossible to me. and i feel like screaming, which i was doing earlier, and i laugh at inappropriat times. and i am having more and more trouble controlling myself. and i keep getting distracted. i mean, mom always thought that i had adhd, but she never did anything about it. so i'm trying to not show any of those symptoms. and im trying to be a genius so i don't feel quite so stupid and like i'm gonna fail. and i don't wanna admit how paranoid i am and seem even more crazy. and i can't relax and i can't sit and be happy. i have to be off in my own little world, but lately it seems that the real world wants me to join them and my mind is upset because i've always hated obligated changes. and i just wanna do anything in my power to make it all stop. and i wanna not think about college or assignments due in a week, and reading lots of pages in a short amount of time reguardless of how slow i am. and i dont want to think that i'm stupid when there are so many signs saying i am. it's not always good being special. it's not good being in GATE or whatever. they call me smart just so they can work me harder just to make me feel bad. if i'm so smart DON'T GIVE ME SO MUCH WORK! DUMB PEOPLE SHOULD BE FORCED TO WORK MORE SINCE THEY NEED IT MORE! and now i'm angry. and now i'm sad again. i don't know what i am. i don't wanna think i need meds, and i don't wanna think anything's my fault. i don't wanna be me anymore. i used to think "and if i could go back i wouldn't cuz i am who i am because of all this" but now i'm thinking maybe i'd be happier as someone else, because the person i am doesn't seem like a productive member of society. ******** THIS ALL! I HATE EVERYTHING!
 the_forgotten_thought · Tue Aug 26, 2008 @ 05:15am · 0 Comments |
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