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i've stopped counting days |
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because it's no longer a quest for me. i'm trying to make looking at the bright side a second-nature habit. i mean, whenever someone comes to me, i try to get them to look to the brightside. but i can't take my own advice. so i'm gonna talk about my life by looking at the bright side, mkay?
*insanity is a temporary state of being. in due time, i'll grow out of it and change, just as life always does.
*my parents are trying to make me anti-social and refuse to let me hang out with my friends, but i might be able to talk them out of it if i could only behave myself. they know i don't behave. it's just easier to see the bad side than the good, so i gotta give it time.
*high school's new. it's not always gonna be boring and hard. i'll make it through.
*i'll learn some day exactly what not to ever say, what to be ok with saying, and whatever else, because so far i've ******** up enough to know soon enough how to make this work.
*reading isn't always easy, and it's ok to be slow at it. i'm not a slow person, just a slow reader.
*not everyone thinks i'm stupid. i'll learn to listen to the people who dont.
*not everyone thinks i'm bad. i'll focus on that.
*in due time i'll learn to be less impulsive and hurt people less...
you know what? this is making me feel worse. man, i feel like i'm just lying to myself. i hate lies. i hate how i always lie. i don't lie as much as i used to. i know i have adhd, and that my mom won't test me cuz she doesn't wanna admit i have a problem. i know i'm gay, and my parents never wanna talk about it because they don't wanna admit i'm different. i know my parents don't want me to hang out with friends and don't think i'm smart and don't think a lot of positive things about me. that's why i always lie. but if the truth hurts and the lie hurts, what do i have to rely on? my promise of the future? what if that's just a lie to myself too? assume i achieve my dream? what if i don't get any money at my work? that i don't get a lot of business and end up having to work 2 jobs and never find true love and never do anything? and what about the near future? what if i get a B and my parents try making me stay home even more? i don't even know what they want from me anymore? i don't know if they think i'm their last hope or have given up and are just acting or what, but i hate it. and it's all i think about. i'll be in class, drawing s**t like exploding ducks, and suddenly i'll think of my attention problem, and how mom would disapprove of me ever getting tested because ignorance is bliss. i dunno. it's the one thing that won't escape me. anxiety, pressure, sorrow, anger, love, yearn, froustration. i mean, i'm so flooded with emotion. and my ears are hurting from stress and i've been getting frequent head-aches, and i've been trying my hardest with little results cuz i've only been in school for less than 2 weeks and i dunno anything about my grades.
i'm filled with emotion that fuses together to form the strand of hope that keeps me hanging to my pathetic life. that may sound over-dramatic, but i don't give a s**t. i wanna do something crazy. i wanna break a leg or get hit by a car and live. i wanna see what happens. truely test my parents. i don't wanna live with my dad anymore! i blame him completely. in the same way that he thinks my friends negatively influence him, he influences my mom. when my mom hangs out with me, i feel as if she loves me a lot. unless i say i'm gay. and when my mom's been with my dad, i feel as if she thinks i'm a horrible failure and that she doesnt even know me. and sometimes when she hasn't been with dad i get that feeling. but it's a lot less frequent. i mean, when my mom seems to think i'm a failure, i feel as if she has a legitimate reason. which is why i lie. to her and myself. because lying is a security blanket that saves everyone from every hurtful truth that could ever be uttered. but that brings me back to my original problem if this makes enough sense for you to even remember it.
i know this prolly didn't make sense, but like i said earlier, insanity is a temporary state of being, and it'll go away in due time.
 the_forgotten_thought · Fri Aug 29, 2008 @ 03:48am · 0 Comments |
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