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i totally hate thinking. i mean, there's so damn much on my mind. i'll never get it all out, and even if i did, it wouldn't matter. no one reads this anymore and no one will. it's just the way it is. i mean, i'm not the type to just say that if i died no one would care; i'm too smart to think that. but still. it's not as if i'm influential or important to the lives of many. i'm no ghandi or anything. but for those of you who are bored enough to care, here it goes.
life's outrageously unfair. for those of you with siblings, you've learned this lesson over and over. but it's the type of lesson that keeps elaborating itself, keeps showing you how much worse and more unfair it can get. take, for example, me and my sis. my sis can cuss in front of my rents, can watch movies, hang out whenver, make dirty jokes, be who she wants, date who she wants, do what she wants, and my rents don't care. but they always tell me to watch my mouth, that i can only hang with my friends one day a week, that i CANT be gay, that i must do what they say, that they must recommend the movie, how dare i this, how dare i that. but my bro said that he's treated even worse. get this, he pays $100 for a laptop and yet complains that i, who paid for half my comp and the wireless software, am the spoiled one. whatever. i guess we all just like to take pity upon ourselves every now and then, though i perhaps do it too much. afterall, most of my journal is me complaining about my life.
you know what else sucks? people will do anything for attention now adays. i mean, so many people are claiming they're bi or gay and yet only date the opposite gender. i mean, they just use it for a label to be noticed, but that's horrible for those of us who actually are this way. i mean all of these lies are making people doubt us, and with all the already natural hate, the last thing we need is for people to doubt us. we need acceptance.
and i feel so stupid lately. i can't spell well, i can't read fast, i'm always hyper and distracted, people call me stupid, and it's just pissing me off. i've had enough of all this s**t. i don't wanna hear people say that just because i think in a different way than they that i'm retarded, and yet sometimes even i think of myself as stupid. it's really rather upsetting how i expect people to think well of me when i don't always. but i'm actually pissed. it's my family. i mean, my parents think i'm stupid for saying i'm gay, my cuz says i'm stupid for countless things, my god! i just let it get to me and even though i know i shouldn't, i wasn't raised to always let things slide. even as a baby, i always fought against unfairness and mean people. now i'm suddenly backing down and can't help but think i'm stupid for that.
i want to go away forever. just run away one night and go off into the world. i wanna live away from my fam, totally disconnect myself. i wanna live with my friends, people who accept me and love me and don't call/make me feel stupid. but that's not gonna happen. i still have 4 more years til it's even possible. i dunno if i can honestly wait that long. going almost and entire year is hard enough. it's just, when my parents are together that i can't stand them. my dad always makes s**t up about me and my mom always supports him. why can't i be the supported one? why are you always submitting to his lies and believeing that i have problems when i dont'? your using the fake problems to escape the real ones, and that's unfair to everyone!
...sorry. i need to tell my mom that, not you guys. i wish they made medicine for me. who knows, maybe they do but i haven't been tested or perscribed for it. but whatever. if i keep trying, maybe i'll fix myself someday. thanks for reading. later. i love you. never think i'm lying when i say that.
 the_forgotten_thought · Mon Sep 01, 2008 @ 06:23am · 1 Comments |
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