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ok, everything makes me think. i guess i'm just exceptionally upset with my family lately. ok, so today, my dad woke me up FRIGGEN EARLY to go sell sno cones for my church's youth group (cuz i love volunteering for stuff without actually knowing about it!!!) so i was pretty upset this morning. anyways, as i was in the car with my dad, i realized taht everything i said he took offense to. now, i usually never try to be a smart a**, but i know when it happens, and today, i thought i sounded pretty sincere! until finally i couldn't help it and just started getting pissed at him and acting exactly as he wanted me to.
he was like "you are so dumb! your stupid!" so i said "really? wonder what the teachers are all on that makes them think otherwise" so he was like "you think you can talk to me like that! stop thinking!" i know, that sounded increadibly stupid, but that's my dad for you. lord knows where i got my smarts from.
"hmm, sounds like a good idea to me. then i could be like a certain someone." and at that point he was totally throwing a fit in the parking lot we were in. "You ******** b***h! why don't you shut up! your stupid! you need to think more!" so i said the obvious reply: "you just told me not to think! shouldn't i take your advice!"
needless to say, if i said one more thing, it would've gotten physical cuz my dad's the worlds biggest baby. so i controlled myself enough to not respond to his stupid "your so stupid! don't even say that! how dare you! your such a b***h!" comment.
anyways, yeah. back to my original story, which i needed this somehow to help explain my situation. see, i read my friends' gaia journal and she was saying how her mom and sister read her personal journal and that she was pissed cuz of that. so i was being stupid and tried to put myself in her shoes.
i might've liked it. i mean, when i think about it, if my family were like that, i'd be such a different person. my parents don't care enough to wanna read my journal. they'd say i'm full of s**t, or apologize for causing me pain. but they'd continue. they'd see "oh, maybe she needs help" and then never do anything about it. all my life, theyve done that. they've said i need help, they said i'm full of s**t, they've said i was s**t, but never did they try to do anything about it.
sometimes i wonder if maybe i weren't always ignored or shut up or called stupid, maybe would i be happier? would i be less of a smartass? i mean, my entire personallity may have been different for the better had my parents ever read a journal of mine or acted instead of just spoke. i mean, i learned to act instead of speak to get their attention, and this was the outcome. perhaps if they had done the same i'd be a better person. i know this sounds totally cliche, but i can't help but think that.
I can't bear the thought of losing
i dread the attention winning brings.
i can't stand letting anyone down, because there's always a hope of being loved just a little bit more.
I don't want the constant attention that the love of winning brings.
And ever since the day i left you
i can stand without your strings
i wanna get the hell out of here cuz i can't stand all the s**t their giving me
I"m so sick of all these people
but i'm scared to be alone
I don't wanna ever see thier faces, but at the same time, i can't stand knowing they'd be gone forever
And if this life has taught me anything
i forgot it long ago.
So many times ive learned taht negative attention will do me no good, and that being grounded and stuck in the house won't bring my parents any closer to me but only make them dread my company. still, i can't help but hope every time i ******** up that it'll help them realize that i need someone to help me.
i mean, all i can think about is those lyrics whenever i get into this type of situation. i mean, i know how everyone is like "give god all your problems and helll get you through them" but i was taught that god was only testing us and how we got out of it was what mattered. as long as we always had faith in ourselves as well as him, that's al that mattered in the end.
ugh, i hate everything so much. i hate how i always complain on the internet as if it'll fix all my problems to know that everyone is reading this but not doing a thing. in the words of mother teresa "the smallest action is worth more than the greatest intention" and that's what i need. only a big action. not a two minute "i'm sorry. i didn't know i caused you this kind of pain" but a permanent divorce between my parents. i hate my dad. he's a two faced hypocrite. he talks all sorts of s**t about me and my mom always takes his side because he has the upper hand, and she's a weak being who can't stand her own ground and needs to be with the one in power, regarless of who is right.
this is accomplishing nothing, and i know that, but i can't stop. i know even though i feel good to let it out for five minutes, i'll feel like s**t as i lie in bed and find nothing to think about but how much i wish i were different. how much i wish i had been less of an attention needing child, who didn't know how to behave when everyone stopped caring and went on with their lives. i guess this is the result of growing up. i guess everyone goes through this. i guess i'm just being overdramatic because i need attention and thrive off of it. but i hate it at the same time. it makes me feel stupid. everything makes me feel stupid. maybe i am stupid!
no! i refuse to be stupid! if i'm stupid, i'd be just like my parents. nay, just like my dad. my mom's not stupid, she's just weak! i'm neither! i never wanna be either! i wanna be gone! i wanna leave this all behind and just run away to god knows where. i wanna pass god's test by failing in the eyes of my family, because the point is to be happy and help others, not to blindly obey! ******** obeying! ******** this! ******** being stupid! i'm not stupid and i'm not naive! i'm just... confused right now. i know what i want and i can't get it, and i'm confused as to what my next move should be. and no one's gonna read this far down because no one cares anymore. no one ever cares this far. if you still do, i'm shocked. if you still do, i love you more than anything else this earth could ever produce. if your still reading this, i'm wondering how the hell you feel about me, knowing my every flaw and problem. this is why i hate attention. i hate everything! i hate having to stay in this foresaken house til i'm 18. i hate everything. i hate life. i hate myself. and you probably hate me by now.
your probably saying "what the ******** is wrong with this chick? she's totally full of s**t! she has nothing worth complaining and she's got nothing new to say but she keeps writing. what a ********!" i don't blame you for thinking that.
 the_forgotten_thought · Mon Oct 06, 2008 @ 05:49am · 1 Comments |
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