today i realized what i've done. today, as i was sitting in my room, my dad knocked on my door and walked in and i was instantly pissed. i couldn't even help it. i couldn't control any part of my anger towards him. i just changed instantly. well, i think i know why. for so long, i've been stopping tears (wow, sounds so over dramatic when i put it like that) because of all the s**t he's said and the way he's always acted. and i think i just piled taht all up and decided that i never wanted to forgive him. i don't think that after thinking about it i can forgive him. he's the reason for all my insecurities. he's the reason for all of my mental problems. hes the reason i hate being called stupid, taht i worry about failure, that my mom can never accept me, thta i'm always in trouble, everything. i can't forgive him unless it's for public to see. i just can't. and i wish that were as good as it sounds, but it's not. i have to stand 4 more years here, and if i'm living in a house with someone who i actually cannot stand, how am i supposed to live? i feel as if there's something actually wrong with me. please tell me it's normal. please tell me everything about me is normal. tell me that nothing's wrong and that i'm not stupid and i don't need help. tell me what i want to hear so i can finally believe it and not think that i'm filled with problems. cuz it's all his fault, and even now i can't help but realize taht it's all his fault that i'm wondering this. i just... i'm stuck. i'm stuck never forgiving him but having to live with him. help me.
 the_forgotten_thought · Thu Oct 09, 2008 @ 02:31am · 0 Comments |
