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i think i'll open up. like, open up entirly and make myself vulnerable to the judgement of anyone who cares enough to read this. i mean, afterall, if your gonna read this, one would assume that your feelings wouldn't be hurtful, right? i mean, those who mind dont matter and those who matter don't mind. gotta love dr. seuss. anyways, moving onto the topic at hand. i have insomnia- again. as always. its just how i am, i guess. but anyways, i actually have a reason for the thoughts that are keeping me awake, mkay. so since this kinda makes sense (or makes enough sense for you to follow unlike usually) i'm gonna write about it.
feel free to click away at any moment. this is for me more than anything. i'm making it public outta habit. not to mention i've written too much to erase it all and rewrite it for my own reading anyways.
alright, so i got home around 11:45 tonight after coming back from babysitting in brawley and couldn't quite sleep. so i decided to do my english homework, since sundays are usually busy ones for me. anyways, when i finished, i decided to actually finish reading the book i was supposed to a long time ago. as i usually listen to music when i read, i came to a part in the book when a character died. coincidentally, a song about someone dying on my mp3 player had just started. so i paused the song, not wanting to get distracted by the remarkable timing, but at the same time not wanting to change the song because i love it.
alright, so i finished reading and began once again listening. i turned out my light and sat as my music played and got under the covers in my bed. i was about to turn it off when the song after was also about death! (it was on shuffle. it went from "like toy soldiers" to "only the good die young". really freaky coincidence there). i considered it bizzare fate and just kept listening as the song vulnerable came on, and i suddenly lost ability to control my thoughts and lost any sense of exaustion that i had once posessed last night.
what was on my mind? ok, this is gonna take awhile to explain, so bare with me. when i was manic depressed in the sixth/seventh grade, my brother was the only driving force that sensed it enough to pull me out of it. and it was great, because he didn't do it in an obvious manner, like anyone else would've. he had this thing about him because he himself had been there, but because of medications counteracting or something. anyways, i guess in the sixth grade i started getting closer and by the time eighth grade came around, i considered him my only role model. then this year, he's been opening to me a lot more. i guess he's sensed our close bond by now and just feels comfortable to tell me anything. so he told me that since he was a really little kid, he had imagined and dreamed of himself dying sometime before he was 25.
ok, now here's the thing. your probably thinking, "oh she's just reminiscing about her brother and being morbid like always." but it's not like taht. i mean, i actually have a reason to worry now. now mikey's driving. i've been in the car with him when he freaked and stopped in the middle of an intersection cuz it turned red suddenly. i've seen him get shakey at the wheel. and now he has a girlfriend. it just... it's weird. it's also worrysone. i mean, people who die of natural deaths usually are at a pretty good point in their lives when it occurs. he's in love and he's on the road. i'm just inexplicatly worried.
anyways, yeah. all these songs about death and all the talks about mikey and everyone dying. i guess i'm just thinking that he might be right about his feelings. when god calls, it's time to go home. if god's sent him reminders all these years, maybe it's true. and i know that when he does die, i'll be prepared, but... i dunno. i'm emotional for some stupid reason right now and vulnerable at the thought of death. it's weird. i blame the book having a protective brother who almost dies, songs of death playing in the midst of reading that section, and lack of sleep to my inexplicant vulnerablity tonight.
yeah. anyways, i guess it's just one of those nights/mornings. i feel like its summer again! staying up all night and all day and then crashing the next... just this time i'll be crashing at school.... s**t. haha
later. i love ya.
 the_forgotten_thought · Sun Nov 09, 2008 @ 11:53am · 2 Comments |
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