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Tell me how i'm supposed to feel... |
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Ok, well, i'm a big kid now. I mean, I know that. I can live by myself (well, not entirely. I need human contact at least 3 hours a day) and I can handle pretty much anything. But this situation has turned out rather troubling. It's like this: my sister quit band. She just got fed up with all the s**t. We all face a problem when we just gotta quit at some point, ya know? But here's the thing. My parents were always really supportive; they didn't like going to the games or anything, but they would go because they're daughter was in it and they had to shout her on. Well, lately my parents have been ditching my s**t! It's like this: I have a game tomorrow. It's a legendary rival that's been around longer than most of the people around here have! But my parents aren't going. Whatever, I mean, it's gonna be crowded and there's a s**t load of fights and stuff. Ok, go ahead and skip out on it. It's all good. However, there's also this thing called a halftime festival where all the schools in the county get together and preform their halftime shows in order for all the schools to get profits from it. That's not too crowded and it's tons of fun! But they aren't going to that either! And I had a pep rally earlier this night, which they also didn't attend. They always went to Ashleigh's.
Then I would always ask to go out somewhere and get a soda when I got picked up. Whatever, if they say no, we have no money, I don't care. I can respect that. HOWEVER! If when the other child asks to go out and get a soda somewhere and you TAKE HER that's when you know that it's a little unfair!
When, for your entire life, you have been getting in deep trouble for destruction whereas this other child hasn't, you don't always get used to it. Sometimes, you get upset by it. Sure, you let it slide; people make mistakes, so maybe they don't notice how much they are ignoring you sometimes. HOWEVER, when you are a child who is forced into a double standard of having to follow a bs religion that the OTHER CHILD DOESN'T HAVE TO, when you are forced into volunteering WHEN THE OTHER CHILD DOESN'T HAVE TO, when you are grounded for cussing WHILE THE OTHER CHILD DROPS THE F BOMB TO THIER FACES LEFT AND RIGHT, you begin to wonder, "Hmm.. perhaps do they like me less?"
At that point, my friends, you become the 12 year old Jessica Zambada. Congratulations. You become a class clown hated by teachers from near and far (loved by a few who empathize,) and you get loads of attention, which is all you ever wanted! You don't care if it's negative, which it always will be because, haha, nobody likes you anyways! You get to get yelled at by someone who has a REASON TO YELL! You get to get hated by someone who HAS A REASON! You get to be pissed because YOU ALSO HAVE A VERY GOOD REASON TO HATE THE WORLD!
the only problem? I'm not 12 anymore. No regression. I don't want that. But I feel myself every minute, getting back to lying. Getting aches and pains that might not even exist because I need the feeling that something is taking away my pain. (yeah, that lasted a lot longer than the smart mouth) I don't wanna be who I was. And I realize, the song says "I miss the person that you were but I don't miss you", but is that really who I am? A cynical little kid who pissed off a world that didn't like her anyways? I'm too old for that! I'm too old to hate EVERYTHING IN GENERAL. The only problem is that it's so damn easy in a world like this.
 the_forgotten_thought · Fri Nov 14, 2008 @ 05:18am · 1 Comments |
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