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i know that what i'm about to write about is gonna be all annoying and boring, so you don't have to bother with reading this. in fact, i should be writing this in my real life journal. sadly, i think honestly that if my parents were to one day stuble across it, it would cause a lot of drama for them to realize how i really am. i write in here for they're protection from my thoughts. i think it makes everything easier that way. i mean, they see the fun happy side of me and they see the angry rebellious side. they don't need to see more than that. i mean, lord knows that once someone judges me, it kinda stays that way. i'm always changing how i'm acting and s**t so its easy for them to stick with one opinion on me cuz i'll come back to acting in that manner eventually.
for instance, and i feel really bad cuz of it, a few people have told me i'm awesome lately. i don't know why, but that kinda bugs me. and it prolly shouldn't. i mean, i'm an attention whore, i should be happier about that than anything else in the world. but it's like i can't bare the thought of losing. i dread the attention winning brings (yeah, rise against sums it up better than i can) then there are the people who think that all i can be is a hyper retard, those who think that i'm a genius, those who think that i'm stupider than s**t, and so many other opinions that i actually am.
i dunno. honestly, i think i'm only writing this because i'm putting some nonexistant pressure on myself. i seem to have done taht a lot in the past and, well, history repeats itself. anyways, i dunno. i feel so ******** up. like, all those times of being told "you're stupid" and "be normal" are finally getting to me. i dunno. maybe that's why it's bothering me, though. i'm actually getting hit by those words. i'm wanting people to know that i'm smart, but at the same time, after acting so smart and "normal" i hate the world and wanna go out and be stupid! but i can't. now more than ever i have no freedoms. and it's all my stupid dad's fault. they're giving me a "long leash" but they know exactly where i am at all times? no, that's stupid. see, i have a gps locator on my phone and unless i turn my phone off (which i'll get in trouble for) they'll know exactly where i am at all times. i don't want taht! i wanna be able to go out and be stupid and not randomly see my dad's car! and then there's so much tension its' like i'm in the car with a parol officer, not my dad! he doesn't even know what i do, but he always wants to act like he does and get upset about it.
damn. i just wish taht i could have the same freedoms i had last year when i could be grounded, sneak out, and make up a nice excuse. i just wish i could feel like i wasn't a complete retard. its actually hurting me to think that my own parents could think that i'm up to no good and that i'm stupid. i mean, i haven't done s**t half as bad as my sister and prolly my brother, but still they think i'm the bad one. they call me the stupid one. a lot of it's cuz i came outta the closet. most movies you see on lifetime and s**t show how dads hate their sons because they come out. well my dad (whose always kinda hated me) hates me more because his daughter's gay! that's not fair!
my mom, i dunno about now, thought i was retarded and now she thinks i'm just rebellious. yeah, i'm gonna put myself on a chopping block for ridicule and hate for the sake of rebellion! that's me alright! then my ******** dad has always called me stupid. no, not always. since about the fifth grade he's started insulting me but he didn't flat out say "shut up youre a stupid b***h" unitl i was in the eighth grade. until i was comfortable in myself, pretty much.
damn. sometimes i just wanna go and live with my friends. i wanna stay forever with the people who actually think i'm awesome. they'll prolly hate me within a week, but for a week, they'll love me and that's what i really want. hell, i'd live with a different friend each week. i just hate feeling the tension and feeling as if no one wanted me around. they make me feel like a bother. everyone but my brother, that is. but even he isn't perfect and dislikes me every now and then. then he's always hanging out with his friends so he can't always be around to learn to hate me (which is prolly a good thing) but yeah. i dunno. i'm just starting to hate it. my sister's just never liked me unless she needed emotional help. my mom cares about too many other things and has too many of her own ******** problems to deal with me and my dad just hates me. and it's like a joke when people tell me taht i'm awesome. i feel like they're mocking me. how could they think i'm awesome if my own flesh and blood hated me?
i dunno. i think my thought process is just messed up. i mean, that would explain a lot. it would explain why i can't sleep at night, why i always dream of death, why i always randomly laugh, and so many other things. maybe that's why my family hates me? maybe i'm thinking in a different world and they can't bare the thought of a world being beyond what they know it as.
but that's just what i tell myself to make me feel better. that's my stupid little explaination for why they hate me. there's no reason. i'm just easy to hate.
 the_forgotten_thought · Wed Dec 31, 2008 @ 06:11am · 1 Comments |
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