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ok, i'm as pissed off as i can possibly get without exploding. Why? haha, same ******** reason as always: my stupid family. man, i can't believe i had tried so long to convince myself that they love me! ya know, ok, so i was stuck in my house all day (save church, ugh) and like, i honestly shouldn't have that as a punishment cuz it only makes me hate my family even more!
ok, so now you're probably thinking, "why the ******** should i care about some little angst who doesn't like her family?" well, go ahead and think that, but for my sake, i'm gonna lie to myself and say you're thinking "aw, i wonder what's wrong." well, everyone in this ******** house hates me!
ok, let's start with the person we would least expect, alright? mikey, by brother, the one person that i've always cared about and had always looked up to when i was a kid forgot my birthday! he's thinking about everything else in the world, like his new car, his friend, my lil cousin, etc. i always chill with him and he forgot my birthday? i make a big deal about his and he FORGETS mine? lame! but i can forgive him. afterall, hes prolly the only one in this house who SERIOUSLY gives a s**t about me (or, you know, at one time had)
moving onto the little brat in the next room. ******** shorty takes EVERYTHING i do for her for granted! i get home from practice or something and all i wanna do is sleep. well, she wants to go for a walk in the DARK past the park so do i let her go alone like everyone else is prepared to? hell no! i actually walk with her cuz i know she's naive and weak enough to get hurt! then she gets in arguements with my parents and i come in on her side to help. what does she do? insult me and acts as if i've never had her back! and, you know, also forget my birthday. her little mocktrial team is failing. she asks me to help. do i say no like i wanna? no, cuz she's my sister! but the minute i tell her to get off my back or chill, she acts as if im a b***h and never do s**t for her! ugh, i don't mind getting ignored sometimes, but at least appreciate some of the s**t i do for you, you little brat!
alright, going straight on down the list. now it's dad's turn! joy! the guy is seeming increasinly racist lately (yeah, i love being bi-racial!) and all he ever wants to do is complain about my sister. haha, silly me, still giving a s**t about my ungrateful sister, i try to defend her and get yelled at for being stupid, being a b***h, oh, well, the list goes on! ugh, and then he always wants to complain about my mom. haha, another person i'm foolish enough to defend! great. dad can never get the hint that i DON'T like having people talk bad about my family, regardless of how bad they treat me sometimes. and then he always wants to find a new reason to call me stupid. it's his favorite adjective! ugh, i should get the ******** a dictionary for his birthday... or not, you know, since he didn't get me a damn thing.
ah, and now it's mommy's turn! yeah, unexpected that the lady who i always feel compelled to defend is the last on the list, huh! well, that's because this b***h has been getting way more respect from me than she deserves at this point! all she does is complain that i need to change and that i have no respect for anyone (yeah mom, i'll help you but i'm totally disrespectful! what a demon child you've raised!) and then she says i'm a lot of the reasons for arguements and s**t. and she's so ******** bi-polar, taking one minute to yell about me, another to yell at me about my dad and another to calm down, only to repeat the cycle in two seconds! and heres the thing that gets me the most: she ALWAYS feels free to talk about me and s**t, but she NEVER wants to actually spend time with me. she tried to get out of going with me to the movies three times on saturday! then when she did finally take me, all she did was b***h about how i should've been forced to stay home all weekend cuz of my misbehavior in school! but it's so offensive that she can't bring herself to hang out peacefully without my sister! like, she can't bond with me! no, it's not that she cant. she just doesn't wanna. i dunno if i'm doing everything wrong or what, but she doesn't like me anymore it seems. like, when we do go somewhere like wal-mart, she always has to bring ashleigh, and she only does that cuz she knows by now that ashleigh will talk over me so that i don't have to be heard, or that ash and i will have an arguement and she can blame it on me!
i swear, i'm so pissed at my fam. i'm sick of them all! i just wanna leave them and live with my friends or something. i wanna leave them and live alone if that's what it takes! i can't stand how little credit they give me- how they all think i'm stupid. i have to say one concieted thing about myself every three ******** hours to try to subside suicidal/homocidal thoughts and all they do is try to bring me down more! i... i don't hate them. i can't. its masochistic love i have for them, but i can't bring myself to fully hate any of them. i just... i want them to love me as much as my friends can. my family is PART of me. we share blood. why can't they love me?
 the_forgotten_thought · Mon Jan 26, 2009 @ 11:50am · 0 Comments |
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