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i can't sleep right now. too much stuff is going through my head. i dunno if it's anxiety for the new school year (my sub conscious would have to be the reason, if that's the case, cuz normally, when i'm not this tired, i have myself pretty much convinced that i wanna go back) or what, but i'm going nuts right now.
see, this summer, i really lost two friends. not physically, but emotionally. don't get me wrong, i got closer to a few of them, and i know i'll always have a few others, but right now, i'm really sad because of how i lost these people and what a few other people have said.
here's the one thing that people have said that hurts me. people say that i'm violent. i honestly don't see that. i never hit people hard and i never go out and beat people up. i use my words because i'm not barbaric. i mean, i may sound like i'm violent, but i'm not. i'm a very nice, loving person. i understand how much it means to love. i understand how important hugs are and how they can affect how we feel. i'm in love with hugs. i want one right now. i sleep with a ******** stuffed bunny! tell me that that's violent!!!
but here's what's really been buggin me. due to my [alleged] violence, i'm also scary. i don't wanna hear that people are scared of me! i mean... i'm not scary. i don't see how i could be. but still they say it. they say things i say are scary, or the way i act, and yet they still hang out with me and love me! how is it possible to love someone that you're scared of? and that's what hurts about it! I dunno if they only wanna be around me cuz they're scared that i'll overreact or what! i mean, they should know i would never hurt them, and yet here i am, feeling really crappy because people percieve me as violent and scary.
it's just...
...
i dunno what it is. i really want a hug. i wanna remind people that i love them and that they have nothing to fear. i don't wanna drive anymore friends away.
but i know it's not me who drove them away. it was their lies- either the lies that some spiteful b***h spoon fed them that they were foolish enough to believe, or the lies that they told themselves because they were too lame to admit that they were the problem and pointed the finger at whoever seemed good.
i lost zach because he was under the impression that no one was helping him get with mallory, and he started to think that mallory liked me instead of him. and now her mom keeps asking her if she's a lesbian (cuz she was talkin to zach about that) and that's myfault partially because i hang out with her too much and parents always assume s**t.
then i lost zoe because other people have been telling her things about me, and i feel like it's really crappy because she's listening to what these other people are saying about me and not giving a damn about the things i've said to her.
but i don't think either of these friendships are worth beating myself up over. the problem is that people i'm still friends with are scared of me. zach thought i was violent and zoe was scared of me. i'm not a monster! quite the contrary! why can't they all just see that?
 the_forgotten_thought · Tue Aug 11, 2009 @ 07:03am · 0 Comments |
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