no one reads this, but i find it hard to care anymore. that's just a minor setback as no one ever seems to care or listen or read what i think anymore. i've gone back to life as it was, and i must say, i was only asking for it.
so ashleigh's back. that means i'm not mom's favorite daughter. that means mom is remembering how to be feminine and that i should be too. that means mom can't be happy hearing about my relationship, because now she has a proper one to hear about, unlike my unholy lifestyle.
i'm not anymore unholy than the other kids. yet she can't get her head outta her a**.
then there's me and dad. we're pretty cool. he still sees me as the ghetto child. i'm not anymore ghetto than anyone else in the house. i may not seem as white as my sister or may use more slang and swears than anyone else in my family, but i'm so well educated and so smart, and i don't think it's anything to be proud of to have your father call you ghetto and point to the continuation or community high school and say "any day now" just because i act up once in awhile.
i'm not perfect. i accept that. but i can be heard, can't i? isn't what i say at least a little important? isn't it to someone?
i'm thinkin that my period's comin up soon, and that's why i've been experiencing all these feelings of worthlessness and anger and depression. but it's also very likely that it's just all the change in my life. ash is back. school's coming and my friend situation is very different.
the problem that i'm facing right now is that i'm no longer accepting my imperfections. like, i don't think it's in an entirely unhealthy way that i'm dealing with this problem. i've been stealing my brother's weights and it's doing wonders for my body because i wanna be physically strong and resemble a muscular guy, but... i shouldn't want that. i shouldn't wanna desire to look like a buff guy! i'm a girl! that's why my mom doesn't like me as much! cuz i'm like this! and trying to get stronger on the outside is only my subconscious way of saying that i'm not tough enough to handle the s**t in my life. it's not gonna make me more emotionally strong to do this. and yet i can't stop.
i'm distancing myself from my friends because i don't want them to worry about me, but at the same time, all i wanna do is hug them and have them tell me that i'm alright. i want them to tell me that i don't have to be perfect, because no one else will. i wanna be perfect. i want my mom to not think of me differently. i want my dad to not treat me like i'm his little ******** up. i want people to not call me violent, and not be scared of me. hell, the stronger i get, though, the more scary i'll be... there's no winning for me like this.
i just need someone. but here's the problem. no one's listening.
 the_forgotten_thought · Wed Aug 12, 2009 @ 08:18am · 0 Comments |
