|
so i'm a cold heartless b***h... |
|
|
|
|
|
|
ok, so here's the deal: i'm an insensitive, terrible excuse for a daughter. and my mom's manic depressed. wow. perfect family, right?
ok, ok, i'm not here to complain. well, not like that i'm not. i'm here to indignantly b***h, and so here it goes:
my mom's been havin anxiety attacks lately. everyday when she comes back home, she's crying uncontrollably. i hate seeing people cry. like, i usually wanna help. but i'm very impatient. if you come crying to me more than three times in a one-week period, you better have a damn good reason (and no, i don't consider a repeated reason to be valid the whole friggen week, ok?)
and so my dad and i were going to drive thru somewhere while my mom was at home talking to her worst influence ever, my sister. see, my sister doesn't listen to people; she hears them (i'm sure we all know the difference.) then, after she's done "listening" she gives bad advice that is only given for her benefit. what's her usual advice to my mom? "let's go get drunk" or "let's go get cookies." yeah, my mom, who's been severely over-weight since i can remember and is already at a ridiculously high risk of early death is getting this kinda advice from her!!!
anyways, so my dad and i were in the car (as I was saying) and we were talking about how both wished my mom wouldn't cry so much. and i said, "man, i hope ash leaves soon" cuz she's on her way to her friend's house "cuz i really don't want mom being around her right now" and my dad was like, "yeah, well, she's the only person that your mom thinks will listen to her." because my mom has NO ******** IDEA who actually cares about her in this house! and finally, i just said, "dad, you know i would listen to her and sit with her and all, but i honestly can't." and he asked me why not. so i told him. "dad, whenever someone cries to me excessivly in a short period of time, and once my ability to make them laugh stops working, i have to get down to the truth. I tell people that they need to suck it up and lift their heads. i tell them that if they can stop letting things get to their heads and that they're only being held down as long as they let themselves be held down" and s**t like that. i mean, i gave practically a speech, haha.
and his response? "there's a difference between having a pity party and being clinically depressed."
and i couldn't control my mouth right then. "well, isn't that what medication is for?"
"it doesn't always work-"
"Well then do remind me why people waste hundreds of dollars on these ineffective pills, then! dad, if they don't work then they need to get some other form of help and-"
that's when he cut me off. he started saying that i was wrong and that i couldn't understand. you're right, dad. a kid rejected by her mom 3 times because of the way she was born could never relate to psychological pain. the kid who lost all of her friends in the sixth grade; who is constantly told she hurts people even though she tries to be nice; who is always being told that her hugs are too strong or that they hurt even though i just want to feel love- i have no ******** IDEA what the hell pain is?
no. i just don't have a written excuse by some quack who prescribes me some bullshit medication.
now, if you're reading this and you're on medication, don't get me wrong: if it works, by all means, take it. however, if it doesn't work and you're at the point that you can't do s**t with or without it, might i suggest getting rid of it. it'll just cause side-effects and make you waste money.
i'm not heartless. i'm sick of people thinking i am. i'm not wanting to be mean to my mom by seeming like i don't care- by staying away from her, i am caring more because i can't hurt her feelings with what i say. i've already started telling her some things, but i have to monitor myself a lot, take some words back, and make sure no one else is there. i'm walking on ******** eggshells here! ******** this. i can't wait for my mom to just start her job so she can get rid of all this anxiety for it... until then, wish me luck.
 the_forgotten_thought · Sat Aug 22, 2009 @ 05:22am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
