ah, the question asked for ages; the question that causes the most trouble because it causes the most thought. and yet i must ask it now.
why does everything have to be an arguement with me?
why does there always have to be some sort of fight?
why isn't my best enough for you?
why can't you just calm your a** down or leave me alone?
why do you think i'm the way i am?
why do you feel you must make the silence awkward?
god, the questions just keep coming, and i'm so annoyed right now. it's almost at the point that i'm hurt by all of this because my stupid family either wants to fight or argue about something so irrelevant and so ridiculous! and what's worse is that we're all so stubborn that we can't even hear one another out in the arguement. honestly, the point of a fight is for communication; if you don't listen on a regular basis, you sure as hell are gonna hear it when it's being screamed at you. but that's not how my family sees it.
and that's why i always win the fights. i actually listen. i throw words back. there's so much s**t that i say that can easily be used against me, but none of them are listening enough to realize it. either that or they really are just retarded.
honestly, though, i realize i may come off as arguementative or violent. i understand that people are scared of me and that i'm not exactly the nicest person you may meet. i'm a bit cynical, i'm a lil angry at times, but you will never see me go longer than an hour without some sort of goofy grin on my face! i'm a happy person! why the ******** does everyone wanna mess with that? why do they wanna only focus on my negative days or the times that i actually hurt them?
and i feel so terrible, because i wanna be strong. i have this crazy idea that if i'm physically strong, it'll make me a stronger person, and i'll be able to handle all of the emotional s**t that's thrown at me. and i want to be able to be the warm person that everyone runs to when they have problems, because i wanna fix it. i don't want people to feel like s**t. i wanna be their umbrellas as the hail rains down from the storm clouds that follow them!
but the stronger i get, the more i accidentally hurt people. i slap too hard, or i joke around too much. or i scare people because i'm tougher than them. i hate that. it hurts me to hear that. and it hurts me that people don't listen and that i feel compelled to use my strength to force them to listen. i have to use so much self-restraint to not turn into an animal and beat the s**t outta people sometimes! but it's so ******** hard when everyone just wants to harass you or when they just wanna contradict you or make you feel little. and it's especially hard when they criticize you for having an attitude.
oh, here's a new question; not a why, a how:
how the ******** do you forgive someone who can't forget every single thing you've ever done wrong?
how do you give unlimited "second-chances" to the person who holds everything against you?
what's wrong with people?
 the_forgotten_thought · Sun Aug 23, 2009 @ 08:10am · 0 Comments |
