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congrats to myself!!! i finally (after months of not being able to) cried last night! it didn't last long. a lot of it was just heavy breathing (whoa, can that sound any dirtier? haha) but i'm glad i was finally able to spill a few of the tears that had been freezing over my heart and making me so apathetic, ya know? haha, i could so be a poet if i weren't so "cheeky" and "casual" as my english teacher puts it.
anyways, apparently i'm a stupid teenager who's on the road to getting expelled before second semester. ALSO, i'm ******** up my life and i'm going down a road in that leads to nowhere, but supposedly nowhere is the worst place for you to ever be. sometimes i have to wonder how terrible nowhere is, though. i mean, nowhere leads to a life with no job, no house, no bills, no stress. the only hard part is finding food, and if i make myself look descent, i scould be able to sneak some snacks from stores, ya know?
then again, i've been eating like a crack addict, and just as paranoid, so i doubt i'm gonna wanna be a bum my whole life. still, it's quite tempting. especially when on every off day i have (out of 35 school days so far, i've only misbehaved on one, and suddenly i get the "you're stupid, you've ******** up your life, you're heading nowhere" lecture. first of all, lectures are supposed to be inspirational, not inspire me to write "******** me" all over myself in sharpie. i almost cut myself last night. coming from ME, you know there's a problem when that thought comes into mind.
anyways, i suppose i've only been digging my grave deeper this past day (yeah, i was gonna say these past few days, but this all went down yesterday, or ante ayer i guess considering it's 12:25 and technically saturday.) see, i went to a football game tonight without coming home or texting my parents. then i didn't come back til... well, about fifteen minutes ago. haha, genius! yup, get in trouble, get told your stupid, display signs of a drug abuser (though i assure you, this is my natural behavior. it's just that people like to think the worst of me) and then come home as late as possible. maybe i am stupid. maybe i should give up on life. i mean, not suicide, cuz i'm havin too much fun bein a ******** up, but don't give up nonetheless.
you know, i'm so full of emotion right now, i'm ready to cry at any moment. this is quite the breakthrough, seeing as it's been so long. the thing is, i'm so sick of hypocracy and different standards. my parents definatly don't think i'm smart. they think i've ******** up way too early this school year and that i SHOULD be suspended.
before i continue, allow me to explain exactly why i got in trouble in school yesterday. see, my math teacher is the most a**l, obsessive, pompous, arrogant, narcasistic little p***k i have ever had the displeasure of meeting. he does everything in his power to embarrass his students rather than teach them. he wants to prove superior by doing a shitty job teaching so his students will remain one step behind him, as if proving that he's smarter than an average teenager is really gonna get him anywhere in the long run. well, yesterday we were supposed to be comparing our homework assignments with our neighbors. my neighbor has no idea how to do any of the math, so she had to do it in class rather than the night before. so, since i had no one to compare with, thus nothing to do, i succame to my exhaustion and rested my head to go to sleep for awhile. not a deep sleep, just kinda chill.
apparently that's against the rules though. well, he came up to me and decided to be rude (as usual.) so finally, i just told myself, "******** his hypocracy" and decided to be rude back. apparently he doesn't like it when the tables turn. in fact, he gets really mad, makes phone calls, sends you out of class, and then arranges parent teacher conferences. just a warning for any loser out there who has a shitty math teacher; if he's a d**k, don't be an a** back, cuz teachers are so full of themselves that they think it's impossible to further educate them.
but yeah, now that you know the story, i don't think i should be suspended, much less expelled, for what i did. he may have called it defiance, but he definatly over-reacted, and to suspend me would be an extreme misuse of power.
it sucks. i have all these teachers that call me smart (even as i was walking out of my math class, he told me i was smart- my one complement of the year, i bet) and yet here i am, crying because my dad called me stupid.
well, i was stupid enough to say, "no you're stupid!" in response and then walk away. haha, yeah, real mature. but you know what i mean. i disappointed myself. first of all, i let my parents disapproval get to me so much. then i gave the stupidest come back!
tonight was just too much fun. i did so much that i wasn't supposed to. i did everything wrong. i didn't break any laws, though. as far as anyone but my parents are concerned, i didn't do anything wrong. but in their eyes, i'm the child that they should have aborted sixteen years ago.
...
i want someone to come and comfort me. i want to be pulled into a tight hug and assured that everything is going to be ok. i wanna be told that i'm smart, i just make stupid decisions sometimes. i wanna be told that people can love me even if my parents think i'm a ******** up. i wanna be told that i can have excuses, because my mom has excuses and my sister has excuses, and everyone else in the world has excuses for being stupid but me! i just wanna be... held? but at the same time, i wanna be away from people. i don't want them to approach me. i'm so weak right now that i couldn't take it, or i would become the goofball and everyone would think i was awesome and not believe me when i said i was gonna be in deep s**t.
i wish i could tell people in person when i needed their help. but i won't let myself. i wish i knew why so i could fix it. maybe then, someone could fix me.
 the_forgotten_thought · Sat Oct 03, 2009 @ 08:41am · 1 Comments |
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