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ya know, i used to go for a walk whenever i felt stressed out or confused or something. but lately i've been confusing myself, and so i went out for a walk, and when i came back felt no difference whatsoever. i mean, i went on a pretty long walk, too, and yet here i am, feeling just like i did.
i guess some of it was that my mind was swimming with thoughts and yet i can't force myself to care these days. i mean, this morning, i got in trouble in class cuz i had given up, i had gone through an emotional roller coaster between happy, angry, apathetic, happy, hyper, bored, tired, apathetic again, and then annoyed and insanely happy once more all in a span of, like, 3 hours. it was kinda annoying how much my mood was changing. and there were no outside forces. it's just stuff would pop into my head, or my mind would be so blank that i guess i started going crazy from it.
part of me is worried that insanity's hereditary. part of me is annoyed that i don't have enough friends. part of me wishes i were more trusting. part of me wants to be alone. part of me wants to be myself more often. part of me wants to just blow up the school and let my mind rest for another summer. i need summers. nothing is quite as healing as the option to sleep as long as you need to, having the freedom to do anything you want, and feel no pressure. i was so much more active, too, and that's one of the things that's killing me.
i've reached the point that my stress has made me give up before i have a mental break down, but because i gave up, i'm having a hell of a time waking up the part of me that needs to be alive still so i don't completely fail. my parents would hate me if i failed. i would be disappointed in myself.
i wish life were easier. then again, if it were, there'd by no life. without something to preoccupy people, we'd go insane, and yet with overwhelming tasks, we lose our minds. i guess there's no winning to being a human. i'll get by, though. thanks for reading. later.
 the_forgotten_thought · Fri Oct 02, 2009 @ 04:16am · 1 Comments |
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