i'm ******** confused! i'm mad! i hate myself! i hate everyone! i'm so ******** stupid and i wanna just throw myself against a wall and beat myself up because i wanna feel blunt pain against me and cutting can't help a desire like that. i need basketball so i can run and run and shoot and try and play hard and release some tension and anger! but it's another month. and my brother's not home so we couldn't fight so i feel like a wimp cuz i didn't get to prove myself or even attempt.
and all she's doing is reminding me of my imperfections! i know i'm not perfect. i know i can't be good enough. i know there's no sense trying. but still i am, so as long as i do, let me handle my own s**t! don't dig my grave deeper; i believe that's my job.
i feel like i wanna just beat someone up because my fists bathed in someone elses blood would be nice for a change. i feel like i need to prove i can do something, and sometimes i think that's all i can do. that, and play the sax. that, and piss people off. oh, i'm really good at that. i'm good at frightening people; i'm good at hurting people
why i can't i be good at something worth being good at?! i'm good at being loud and angry and annoying and violent and stupid and disappointing and every other bad thing there is to be! i'm good at forgetting, but i can't forget this because every time i try or every time i get so close to just fully loving myself and loving life and feeling like everything in the world doesn't need a meaning because explainations are for those who don't believe in miracles s**t goes down!!! god, ******** me! ...not like the virgin mary
see? see? i can't even take myself seriously! and now i'm mad at myself because i can't be mature for a moment and just let out this s**t that's been on my mind, relieving some tension and starting to unwind
i'm speaking in rhymes! that ******** habit has returned! god, i hate it! i hate poetry, i hate plays; they all have too much structure. i need lack of it; i want a crumbled foundation. give me something that i can start over and i promise i won't ******** it up this time!
oh wait, that's another thing i'm good at; breaking rules, breaking hearts, and breaking promises. did i forget breaking down? ******** me.
 the_forgotten_thought · Fri Oct 16, 2009 @ 03:26am · 0 Comments |
