i've always been good at fighting. i'm good at fighting those who say i'm wrong, those who hurt me, and those who wish to hurt my loved ones. i'm good at fighting off the urges to punch those who i feel deserve it because i want to avoid consequences. i'm good at fighting off the drunken confussion that follows most when they drink. i've finally found a worthy advasary, though, who may just prove to be a more formidable opponent than i had ever bargained for.
depression is so stupid. i hate how people go around saying "i'm so depressed; i hate my life; i wish i were dead; ******** me" and all that. but still, i feel like so much in my life is either a waste and that it doesn't matter, or like all i can do is ******** things up. i feel like no matter how hard i try, i'll never be good enough. i look outside and see people not as nice, loving and affable people, but as people who wanna harm me or people that would hate me if they got to know me.
i feel myself ready to punch someone at any moment for the slightest problem. if we're marching in a parade and someone gets out of line, i can feel my rage radiating from beneath my uniform and i have to tell myself over and over again that they'll get back in line and that it'll be ok.
when i make a mistake, i feel like punishing myself, cuz i couldve done better, or i have no excuse for messing up as bad as i did. if i trip, i feel like i'm a complete fool or like i'm so clumsy i'll never amount to anything.
i constantly make excuses, trying to tell myself, "my balance has never been good" or "i was under a time limit and made a few errors because of it" but in the end, i only hate myself more for my lame excuses.
sometimes i just wanna step out of my body and punch myself in the face. other times, i wish i could stop time and run home to beat up my punching bag before i beat the living s**t outta someone who messes up or yells at me.
then i look in the mirror, realize i suck, and ask myself, "why do i bother?"
sometimes im my own worst enemy... let me rephrase that.
cut out sometimes.
 the_forgotten_thought · Tue Nov 24, 2009 @ 01:21am · 0 Comments |
