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i don't feel good. have you guys ever heard how stress and stuff can cause illness? guess it's true. i have to complete 3 math tests including corrections, take a new one tomorrow, then pray i turn in my notebook on time just so i can get over a D+. what's ******** up about that? i actually know everything we're learning right now; my teacher NEVER told me that in order to turn in THIS QUARTER'S notebook, we need LAST QUARTER'S tests! then, in addition to that, my teacher is one of the most hypocritical, arrogant, a**l douchebags ever to disgrace the planet! he's a ******** d**k! i can't stand him, and yet all he does OUTSIDE of class is tell me how "smart" i am, and how i can't just "throw away" my grade. i'm not throwing it away. i can't do this! it's literally impossible for me to.
then, on top of that, i think i need to join the ranks. everyone and their brother seems to be on medications for SOMETHING today, be it depression, bpd, adhd, etc (haha, etc goes with the whole acranym thing i got going on... don't judge me) i keep getting angry and frustrated over abosolutly nothing! i keep driving myself insane and further down the road of self-destruction. i need help. i need... vodka. you know, i don't wanna become an alcoholic or support under-aged drinking or anything, but it does help, and i want some right now. i need something to help me cope with the s**t that's been progressivly piling in my life for the past weeks. i can't take it anymore, and it's safe if i limit myself to one bottle. and all my outlets- music, basketball- aren't cutting it anymore. i need something man-made. i need a cure.
i just don't wanna become dependent. i don't wanna be a slave to the disease or anything. i wanna have freedom and cope with pain, but i don't wanna feel like i've only got one option. it's just temporary. it's a once a month or less thing. i'm fine. i just... i can't take life right now. i'm not fine.
i wanna break down and cry, but once the tears reach my ducts, the wells fill but won't flow. it's like i've built a dam and i can't cry, and i think that's what i need; i need some physical way to let it out. i need. something. ******** my life. ******** me. i don't know what i want. i wanna die. life's not worth it. what does my future hold? unhappiness and frustration; anger and silence. forced silence. i can't solve any of my problems. people will ALWAYS be over me, telling me that they're better than me, proving they're better. people will always be there to call me stupid or tell me i'm not good enough. even if people aren't there to do that, all i need to do is miss a shot, forget the key signature, get a B, and i become my own worst enemy. i hate how i'm not good enough despite how hard i try. i AM trying. i'm just not succeeding. sometimes we can't do both! if you're me, you almost ALWAYS can't do both. i can't even vent properly. i can't talk to people when i need to, i can't draw what i need to, my writing is s**t. even when i'm proud of it, i can't do anything better, and that bugs me. or i can do something better or someone else can do something better, and i'm back to square one.
no. i'm not. i never was on square one. i'm stuck in the burmuda triange. away from the rest of my kind and isolated to the vicious insecurities of my own mind. i lay defenseless against my own worst enemy, for every time i strike back, it hurts me more. how do you fix the problem when it's all in your head?
i need a drink.
 the_forgotten_thought · Fri Dec 11, 2009 @ 03:40am · 0 Comments |
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