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well, i can't control my thoughts, but i've got the next best thing and have [almost] gained full control of my actions. for instance, today, i was ridiculously pissed off at my family. every ******** member. so i was making waffles, and as i grabbed a plate from the cabinet, i just got so enraged. i had it above my head and my fingertips were already releasing their grip as my arms built up force. then i saw my dog, and instantly thought "what if my retarded chihuahua tries to eat a lil piece of the glass?" at least that's one more dish for no one in the house to wash, as i'm the only one who does more than just complain about the s**t hole we live in.
i am at my wit's end with these people. no one gives a ******** about me. it's so ******** frusterating! whenever i want--nay, need--help, they could care less. my sister always confides in me, but the second i do, she uses it against me! she goes around telling people that i'm stupid and do retarded s**t. the only example of retarded s**t that i do is actually fool myself into believing that i could trust her! ******** her! she was complaining to my mom today that i've gone out drinking at parties (once) in hopes of persuading my mom to buy her alcohol because she'd be "being safe and drinking it in the house instead of at a friend's place". god, what the hell? i don't go around and tell my mom and dad "hey, i snuck ash's boyfriend in and they ******** last night" or say "yo, shorty went outta town last night, and judging by the way she seems so tipsy, let's not make any loud noises to help her cope with the hangover" no, i don't do that. cuz i'm a good sister. i don't rat her out everytime i wanna get my way. you know why? cuz i'm not a dirty, rotten, two-faced hypocrite. yes, i'm telling the people of the internet, but you know what? no one ******** reads this! at least no one who's gonna repeat it to my sister. and even if you did, i'd prefer that. give her a taste of her own ******** medicine.
damn, three days in a row, my dad and i have had at least one argument and i can't take it anymore. he doesn't even realize it, but he gets really short with me and comes off as rude. well, him coming off as rude puts me into offense mode (because my defense mode is pretty weak after playing defense for two hours at basketball practice) and he just gets so much angrier the second his bad news seeps in to poison my attitude. why can't he realize that he starts it? and why doesn't he drop it once i do? god, it's catching on.
my mom... i'm sick of bitching about my mom. she keeps getting manipulated by my sister. she keeps focusing on my ashleigh because she needs to both watch her back yet still confide and share stories with the lil b***h. it's so complicated. but because she spends so much of her concentration on the lil brat, she doesn't have time to even acknowledge me, let alone treat me like a daughter, recognize my accomplishments, etc. i mean, i don't wanna sound like an attention whore, but when your mom only gives you attention when she's a)lonely or b) to get you in trouble, it really kills your self-esteem and makes you question your worth and relationship. especially the worth part.
i hate being home. i hate being at school. i just don't wanna be here anymore. on earth. i wanna go to a field with a limitless battery to my mp3 player. no water. no food. just music and the cold kiss of death finally caressing my lips and taking me to the place i've dreampt of for so... too emo? yeah, i know, but that's just how i feel. go peacefully, because if i can't be content, what's the point of trying? i've been trying for years and i've been failing just as long. there comes a point when you just give up.
or ******** some b***h up in the hallway at school. i'm still debating on which is worse. i really wanna beat some people up these days.
then there's my girlfriend. i'm so enamored. i can't stop listening to love songs. and i keep singing. and she makes me happy. i just can't describe the feeling i get when i'm with her. that masculine feeling that i thrive off of, the fact that she's the most beautiful girl i've ever laid eyes on, let alone embraced in my arms. i love her so much. she's funny and sweet, easy to talk to and just beautiful from the inside out. "shine" by the morning of just keeps running through my head. and "you had me at hello." gosh, i'm such a cliche. but maybe love is a cliche. and no one likes cliches. is that why the world's going to hell in a handbasket? no. it's cuz people have families worse than mine, and if i can get so ******** up in a family half as dysfunctional as others, then why shouldn't the rest of the population be worse?
 the_forgotten_thought · Sun Jan 17, 2010 @ 06:37am · 0 Comments |
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