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warning to those who are foolish enough to read: i'm having a bad day... life. i don't expect you to read this, as i, myself, would probably stab my eyes out and slit my wrists before i ever bothered reading the nonsensical drabble spilt forth from the depths of my soul. so, just know, what you're about to read (assuming you hate yourself enough to) is a small peak into my life. disfrute!
i feel like a top right now. i'm a swirl of colors, spiralling into insanity as all the colors mesh into one big circle of self-loathing. but i'm losing balance, slowing down, revealing the colors of all my emotions. the crayola vomit that has become my brain is toppling to the floor, only to crash land into this terrible moment, this beautiful breakdown. i hate it. i hate myself. i hate the mess that i've become! i wish i could just... god, i wish i would stop wishing. they never come true. they bring your hopes up and give you faith only to drop you, and like an egg, i crack. i can't do this anymore. this s**t (definatly my favorite annogram) called life. i just wanna pour my emotions onto a sheet of paper and crumple it all up, as if that could actually erase all this crap in my head and allow me to rewrite my story.
it's not that simple. i pushed my feelings aside and now they're raining down, puddling around me, slowly-quickly!-rising until it reaches my mouth, my nose, my eyes. i can't see straight beneath their murky sheet, and before i have time to try to swim back up, another wave strikes.
i had hopes for this weekend. i was excited for this weekend. i don't know why i bother getting excited. it only hurts me. people say, "oh, i have a plan to cheer you up." you're not helping when you drop me like i'm hot (stupid stupid idiotic reference! i would delete it if i had the will to disguise how ******** annoying i am from you!)
i always imagine the day when someone will actually give a s**t about me, but i know it'll just remain a sick fantasy. i either push away the one person who does give a ******** or end up realizing the harsh reality that that person doesn't exist. it's true. word to the wise: no one gives two shits about you. get used to it. life sucks. we eat, we breathe, we try to hide from the shadow of shame that consumes us all as a race, but sometimes trying to hide from it only makes it larger. we're nothing. we can become nothing. don't bother trying, because it'll only be more crushing when you find out that it was all in vain.
a warning to those reading this: i'm not stable. i don't expect you all to think i am after reading this. i don't expect you to think as i do after reading this. i simply want to applaud you on having the patience to actually get through it. lord knows i wouldn't.
 the_forgotten_thought · Sat Mar 20, 2010 @ 05:18am · 0 Comments |
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