i'm in a very confused, cold state. have you ever had that feeling when you have so many different emotions running through your mind and so many thoughts crossing you that suddenly you feel numb?
well, that was sorta me last night. i spent forever on the computer. i couldn't sleep. i couldn't do anything either, though. i slipped back into my dimension of insanity, praising the sadistic god in the sky that there was no school, though i felt i would never have to sleep again anyways.
i'm just so mad. and so depressed and alone, but i wanna be alone. i don't wanna surround myself with people, cuz seeing them happy will only depress me more. i don't wanna see my family, and i don't wanna know them. i wanna stay in my room forever, stuck in my mind, no matter how bad that is for me. i just wanna...
ok, i'm prolly gonna sound crazy. i don't wanna die because i don't wanna venture into the unknown of death. i don't wanna face God or Satan, or any of that crap. i don't wanna realize that religion is wrong. i can wait for that. but i don't wanna live either. i don't wanna feel this pain or suffer the numbness. i don't wanna keep jumping from angry to sad to pissed off to depressed every two minutes like i've been doing. in all honesty, i wanna just fade out. i want to close my eyes and just fade away, to this world of white so bright that i'm blinded. i want to lie there, no sight, only purity. then i want to stop thinking. i want to sleep there for days or weeks. i want to become the whiteness, fade into that imaginary world. then maybe i'll come back to this stupid reality a few months later, whenever i'm finally done with my break. or maybe just stay there. i want the world to stand still so i can sort my thoughts, let out my explosions of pain and anger, and just come back to the real world.
but i never get what i want. and i don't know how i could expect to. i wanna stop writing.
 the_forgotten_thought · Sat Mar 20, 2010 @ 11:28pm · 0 Comments |
