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i'm so ******** pissed off! i'm not even entirely sure why. i just keep imagining splattering someone's blood on a brick wall. i want to find the abstract picture it creates, because it does seem beautiful. i want to watch them writhe in pain, asking for someone to help, only to kick them while their down. i swear, it's almost orgasmic to think about that. i'm getting chills.
i wish i knew what the ******** was wrong with me right now. i'd love to say i'm PMSing, but at the same time, i hate my period, so i kinda like the idea that i'm just crazy. at least that way i know it's only genetics biting me in the a**.
god, and it's weird, cuz i was ******** suicidal the other night. like, i was this numb combination of being too angry to ******** s**t up because i just wanted to brood, and being so hurt that i just wanted to curl up in a corner and cry alone, where no one would ever find me cuz no one gives two shits about me.
i actually ended up doing the latter (despite so badly wanting to kick someone's a** and depsite the knives i was playing with.) i rested my head on my computer desk and just sat there, shivering as i tried to pathetically hug myself. then i finally cried, shattering my chances at a new personal record, since it's only been three months since the last time i did.
god, i'm so sick of all these break downs. i mean, i appreciate it when after going into a suicidal fit where i get to dance with self-destructive fantasies, i at least feel better the next morning. for some reason, after this breakdown, i'm only getting more and more angry. like, everything is just pissing me off! my parents certainly aren't helping, though. my dad is still taking every opportunity to be a d**k, and my mom is so wrapped up in her own little world of "oh, my bff" and "oh, my students, who are, like, fifteen times more important than you..." and "just leave me alone" s**t cuz i'm apparently not worth the time of day. god, you know what? that's the kinda s**t that pisses me off. how dare someone treat anyone else like that--like they aren't worth s**t--let alone someone that you squeezed outta your ******** uterus.
i've been trying to take my mind off of it. i've been trying to get it outta my system. it's just, no matter how much i entertain myself or how badly my hands are hurting after hours of hitting the punching bag, i just can't stop being angry.
but, i'm not worth checking up to see if i have a problem. it's just a phase, or it'll go away. after four years of (i'm not even exaggerating) self-loathing, i seriously have to wonder just how long these damn phases last.
 the_forgotten_thought · Mon Mar 22, 2010 @ 02:23am · 0 Comments |
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