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i feel weird today. like, the day started out oddly enough, me stressed as ever and waking up for the fourth and final time. the day was long, but not tiring. and i got to be stupid and immature iwth alex again, just like the good ol' days of eighth grade (or, you know, the beginning of the summer =P)
but now it's just kinda... i dunno. lame. i couldn't make my gf feel better. i never can. i dunno, i feel inadequate. i am, i guess. because she means a lot to me, but i never tell her. and she's all i think about, but i never tell her. and whenever i feel ready to just end it all or run away or do something violent, dangerous, and extremely stupid, i just think of her and the impulse fades. but right now, i feel like it's unfair, because she's not the same way. i'm not making her feel better. i can't. i accept that. it's just, she won't break up with me for it. she won't just tell me that i'm not good enough. and i know i'm just gonna end up sabatoging myself like i always do. i know i'm just going to tell her that she deserves much better than me, because even if i HAVE grown up and if i HAVE matured, i'm still being stupid; i'm still not ready to show people that i am in love with just how much they mean to me. i always treat my normal friends better than i treat my significant others. it's just, i don't wanna hurt her. i don't wanna tell her that. i know she won't believe me just like none of the other girls do. they don't understand that i'm telling them the truth when i break up--that they deserve much better than me--because they can't comprehend why i would say such a thing. hell, even i don't understand it all. it's just clear to see, though, that i'm no good in relationships. i'm not meant for them. i was meant to be alone all my life, and i can deal with that. i just can't admit it when i need to. it never comes out right.
and i don't want her to read this, but at the same time, i want to be reckless. part of me hopes that by reading this, she'll understand that i don't wanna break up, but it may be better for her. i'm the one who wanted to wait with her, but everyone else objected, so she went with us to rite aid. basically, i'm the reason that she got in serious trouble. and i'm the one that's always guilting her into hanging out with me. and i'm the biggest reason that she'll get in trouble. she can't have a girlfriend, but i don't wanna make my love a secret. i wanna tell the world. and she can't. and maybe we should break up? or maybe i'm overreacting like i always do?
and i know if she were reading this right now, she prolly would have stopped, unable to accept that i would do this to her. i don't want to! maybe i shouldn't! i haven't said anything, and maybe we can still talk it out. but i'm not worth her getting in trouble.
i want it to be up to her. it's not that i'm sick of being the bad guy... well, technically that is it. the thing is, i'm sick of being the reason that she's always facing these ridiculous consequences. i'd rather her dump me knowing that i'm not worth her and knowing that i'm inadequate and knowing that i'm not good enough, than tell he myself and have her think that i'm lying or just being nice.
but at the same time, i'd rather stay with her. i don't feel horny when i get online anymore. i have no drive to. i have her. but if she needs to break up, it's ok. i know she can do better or maybe she needs time to do better. maybe when she's out of her house? maybe someday not to far? maybe we can keep this up and i can learn to stop being a stupid little kid about everything.
but that's the thing. though i think i've matured, i can't make that little voice in my head stop. i'm always silencing the smart one, the wise one, the one who knows what to do. i shut it up before i can take its advice. and here i am, stuck. i don't know who i want to listen to, as far as my inner voices go.
kelly, i want you to decide. it's not evaluting how much i mean to you. it's not evaluating our love, and please don't think i'm trying to force you into either decision. i want you to think: do you really want your mom always getting mad at you just because i make life more difficult? or do you wanna just be friends? i'll always care about you and i could never stop being your friend. but i could back off a bit and make you feel less obligated to do stuff with me if you think it's better.
ending this with 'i love you' makes it sound like a guilt trip, and i know it's prolly coming out all wrong, but this is the best i can write. i know i'm stupid and i did a terrible job. i know i probably made you feel really bad. just know, you do deserve better; you deserve a world much better than this one. and you certainly deserve a person greater than me.
 the_forgotten_thought · Thu Mar 25, 2010 @ 12:10am · 1 Comments |
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