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everything in this world is wrong. it's all evil. and i've come to terms with the fact that there's no fixing it. but still, a little part of me still wants to talk about it, because if i talk about it, maybe people will open their eyes; maybe people will finally realize we're all wrong and maybe one day we can make it just a LIL bit better, try a lil bit harder and then maybe one day this world will be worth living in.
the world revolves around two things: fear and money. sure, sure, some people will say drugs, some people will say TONS of s**t, but in all honesty, it's fear and money. think about it, why do we buy stuff? why do we behave the way we do? we aspire to get good educations; why? because we don't wanna live the lives of our parents. because we wanna be successful. maybe you don't wanna be smart- you still wanna have money, i bet. why? can't do a thing without it. sure, you can steal, but how far will that get you? what if you end up nowhere, on the streets without a roof or food- then what? all you have is FEAR that you'll never get back on your feet, or fear that you won't make it. then there's the lack of money that put you there. starting to see my point?
now, because of this fear and money lust, the world is corrupt. i mean, it would've been corrupt no matter what- we're only human and that's what we do, ******** s**t up for our own selfish purposes- but this is what's wrong with the world these days. i mean, we're all scared that someone's gonna attack us so we're in iraq. hello, did no one learn from the fall of rome? they had their armies spread out, but no one was in the country to protect it from oncoming attacks. oh boy, can't wait when the rest of the world realizes that and strikes- i'm moving to canada.
but it's not even on a global scale that this corruption is ******** up lives. it's ruining things in individual cities and even just in a few families, and it's so sad and incontrolable and i wish that we could fix it but there's nothing to make people understand all this s**t until it's too late, and the people who realize it either continue with their corruption or die trying to fix their mistakes.
no good deed goes unpunished.
that's why no one like's a snitch. because they try to fix corruption. and it's terrible because these people who destroy are just so lost and confused and it all starts when their teens- they come from ******** up families and start rebelling or start finding new ways to feel alive.
some people start doing drugs. automatically that's gonna lead to violence. some people turn to cutting and plunging into psycho depression. we all know where that leads- girls having sex with whatever loser who will lay them so they can feel wanted and loved. guys starting fights with whoever does the slightest thing wrong just because its so great for them to feel like they're actually doing something that they can control.
you know what real control is? having control of yourself. being able to get pissed off, realize the world sucks, plan to fix it in a nonviolent way or just vent it all off. real control is when you stop feeling like you NEED to control it, because that's the point that you realize that nothing's worth it. the ******** who pisses you off isn't worth anyone's blood. no matter whether or not they cheat you or wrong you or start s**t, until they throw the first punch, you have all the control in the world to restrain yourself.
sadly, i must say, i'm still only human.
i feel stupid for writing this because it's not helping. nothing helps. except death. sometimes i wanna kill myself just to make a difference. i wanna stand on top of a building and scream the words that i've always thought, just yelling at the top of my lungs. then people would listen. i wanna fill notebooks full of the s**t that i've thought forever; not my insane poems of darkness and reality- i want to have my thoughts written without me trying to make it beautiful. i wanna write with no rhyme or reason- ******** the flow! i wanna write something UGLY! i want it to reflect the world that i'm leaving. i wanna write my thoughts as they are, even with the random changes in thought and even with the segways that won't necessarily make sense. i want people to understand i'm crazy and that the world made me this way.
i don't wanna just sit around and vandalize. i'm not violent like everyone thinks. i know i may seem like it, but i just like to feel. i like the adrenaline of yelling at someone and inciting a fight, but i don't throw the first punch. i just push them over the edge with my words and then strike. i don't wanna have people think i have no purpose for being as i am. i wanna be understood and the only way for that to happen is for me to die!
no one will give a s**t about me until i die.
and that's why i wanna do it. my death can help fix the world. death can fix my life by bringing a happy close. just the thought of the wind in my face as i await the cold concrete's embrace as my body crumbles to mold into it and feel just as it does, becoming one with this ugly world. because when i die and when i sink into it, maybe my beauty will melt into the cracks and spread it. people will realize how terribly hideous we are and they'll change, making it lovely.
if only for a day.
no one will care for long. we all care at church until the hours up and we flip off the guy in the parking lot who cuts us off. but at least it'll be nice to feel as though i can make a difference and just make the world stand still.
i wanna write this. this is my chaotic mind- my peaceful mind that only seems cluttered with the insane thoughts the world has provided me- and this is what i want people to understand. i wanna copy this into a notebook, scream it from the rooftops and throw it down, as it gracefully falls i shall join it, pass it, mold into the earth, and be remembered as the one person to bring universal sense. i won't go like tupac- there will never be controversy about me. what's there to argue? all i did was take action- we're people it's what we do.
if it weren't for people constantly taking action without thinking, maybe we wouldn't be this bad. ah, but it's only the pawns who fail to think. they don't have to think, their bishops think for them. they hear as people preach these stupid false or perverted thoughts that are only the partial side of reality that they're against. they hear the bad side of the story- there are three sides; yours, mine and the truth- and because of that, they act out violently. ah, but then there's the kings, fear and money. bishops only work to get the fear or money.
even bishops like me. we wanna scare people into reality. we wanna make them scared of who they are in hopes that they'll realize that they're so wrong and so ridiculous and impulsive and stupid- i just want them all to understand that we could be better if only EVERYONE participated in the movement to a better life. i wanna get the fear. ******** the money. ******** all this s**t that destroys the world. i don't want it! i want fear.
maybe that's why i'm violent. maybe that's why i THINK. cuz when i think, i gain wisdom at the expense of my sanity. it's a fair trade, i'd bargain. so when i think, i get to go a little more crazy with my passion about the subject. ah, yes, i love the violence. get it through their heads! make them see that it's not worth it, nothing's worth it, not in hell. violence is great when used as i use it. i love the fear it brings to their eyes. i love how it makes them jump at my words, how it gives me the power to control them with my words- it gets them listening.
and the fear of losing me should be enough to get the world to listen.
when it's some random guy on the street getting shot, or when it's a soldier in a war, no one seems to care. it's just a person. but when i'm standing on a rooftop screaming out my lungs- for YOU!- trying to get them to listen, then they do it outta guilt. they're suddenly scared to lose me. suddenly i'm worth something and my words are more than words.
yup. i'm only human. just a bishop in chess. ******** being a pawn, i'm worth more than that. i have the confidence to say so, i don't care how concieted that sounds. and though i think i'm worth the title of bishop, i also acknowledge that the only way to accomplish my goals is through death. for if i were to publish this, no one reads. if i were to yell this, no one listens. if i were to die, maybe then they'd understand.
 the_forgotten_thought · Sat Jul 25, 2009 @ 04:48am · 0 Comments |
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