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no, that title's not breaking dawn for any of you losers out there. i'm breaking down as in i'm going insane as in for the first time in a very very long time, i'm feeling lost and confused and i just wanna... i don't even know what i want.
i feel like i'm so ******** up in the head. i mean, i'm prolly not; i'm prolly fine- hell, how could i not be? there's nothing wrong with me. i'm healthy. i'm smart. what could be wrong with me?
and yet here i am, freakin out over what could possibly be nothing. and maybe the fact that it's nothing is what scares me, or the fact that i know it's nothing and yet i still can't get over it, but something's making me go insane right now.
i think its cuz i don't hug people anymore. haha, ok, that sounds childish, but you gotta know me to understand that. i always hug everyone. it's who i am. a hug means so much to me and really, any physical contact (even hitting) just means the world to me because actions speak so much more than words and things like "i love you" and "******** you" just can't be screamed as loud as they can be seen. it's... i dunno, its this crazy part of me that feels that way.
but yeah, i blame my lack of hugs on this. well, that, and the fact that i'm losing all my friends slowly. and the fact that i'm on my period and suseptible to depressed and suicidal thoughts. geez, i thought i was over my thoughts of suicide. i thought i'd fixed my problems. but i guess i thought wrong.
maybe it's the lack of control that makes me feel like this; i mean, if i couldn't fix my own problems, how much control do i have? if i can't control myself, what can i? that must be it; this feeling of weakness that's driving me over the edge.
oh, but i wrote a song yesterday. well, technically it was yesterday as it's one in the morning right now. but yeah, it's a hardcore screamo song that has no drums, no guitar, but just a badass sax. imma record it (which will take awhile cuz i gotta get the equiptment and do it while no one's home, etc) but it's gonna be a good song, i guarantee you. i'll post it and everything.
other than that, i'm lost and confused and ready to fall off the edge. i'm doing everything in my power to stop myself from being the losers i always hear about that cut their wrists. that should be my control for the time being. until my next post, guys. thanks for reading
 the_forgotten_thought · Sun Jul 26, 2009 @ 09:33am · 0 Comments |
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