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so i completely took for granted how messed up and suicidal i was last year. i was trying to clean my room in a fit of OCD, and i found an old journal from up until almost last summer. ya know, i had gotten to the point that i thought all the mistakes i made were just kinda stupid back then, but i realize my ******** up thought process. i had lost motivation and i guess i understand how i hated my life.
it's funny, though, cuz if you read the last page, it looks like i killed myself. like, that was my suicide journal, and now i'm six feet under being mourned by no one! haha. it was weird to read it. "if you make me happy, i love you, because you distract me from the hate i aim towards myself. if you make me happy, i want you happy. i care about you; i want everything in your life to be perfect if you make me happy, and that's what love is to me. but if you say you love me back, i don't believe it, because if someone of my own blood, like mom and dad and even myself, don't love me, how could you?"
and that was the last paragraph i ever wrote in it. haha, so basically after months of "giving up" and "lack of motivation; i can barely make myself move" and "god, i hate them; i hate myself!" i end it like that. how lovely.
it's weird to think, at the same time, how ridiculously different i am. i mean, i've finally accepted people loving me. my dad loves me. my mom... well, she's still going back and forth. it's just so different. even from last semester i'm a completely different person. i can cry now (course, i usually don't) and i can spend time alone with myself without going completly homocidal/suicidal. i wish i had a journal from the sixth grade. now that was one ******** up year. but at the same time, trying to read through all my metaphors and my sloppily scrawled hastey work is sort of a pain just sounds like the kinda hassle i'm glad i was able to leave in the past.
moving on. imma be getting my permit (or well, starting day 1 of three for lessons for it) tomorrow morning. i bet it's gonna be just another summer program where i sit there defensively by myself, listening to music and making snide remarks to anyone who tries talking to me. i wish i would've told one of my friends, but at the same time, i know they would've bailed. i guess when it comes down to it, a lot of my friends have initiative, but aren't really motivated to do a lot of the things that take time; we wanna do things now, which is why we've been content with walking and chilling and being stupid and wanting less. i think there comes a point when kids stop wanting and just deal with what they've got and make the best of it. and i'm alright with that. i just don't wanna stand still sometimes.
 the_forgotten_thought · Mon Jun 07, 2010 @ 04:49am · 0 Comments |
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